if only

chapter 26

I found her, leaning against another wall, this time in a bedroom, with her arms around Claire.

Well, maybe it was Claire who had her arms around Billie, but either way, my rage boiled over and I saw red. The alcohol running through my veins didn't help; it peeled back my impulse control and left me shaking with unadulterated anger.

Claire saw me first, our eyes locking across the large bedroom as I made a beeline for my girlfriend. She quickly leaned in to tell on me in Billie's ear, making her turn sharply. She held out her hand as I approached, but I walked until it hit me square in the chest, and she had to push to stop me from getting close. I blinked at her, feeling wild with rage at the whole fucked up situation.

"Stop, Shawn," she yelled over the loud music. "I don't wanna talk yet."

"Billie," I shouted back, finally gripping her arm with my hand and shoving it abruptly away. "We're gonna talk, because we're together. We came to this party together. I'm not gonna wander around without you."

She glowered at me. "Well, you should've thought of that before you treated me like your property."

I glared back, but I could at least admit where I'd fucked up. "I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have said that."

She clenched and unclenched her jaw. "We've been here before, Shawn. Fuckin' control issues."

I glanced at Claire, who now leaned with her back flush with the wall, bringing a dainty necklace to her mouth to play with the charm against her teeth. She looked nervous, like she was in an active state of fight or flight.

I ignored her and turned back to the dark haired beauty trapped in front of me. Her blue eyes glinted, cold.

"I know," I said, bringing my face closer to hers so I didn't need to shout so loud. "I'm... struggling with this."

Her eyebrows knit together, though her demeanor remained rigid. "Struggling? With what?"

I waved a hand at the room, busy with couples and small groups escaping the chaos of the rest of the house. "Other people. Touching you, talking to you, reaching for you all the time. It's a lot."

She glared again. "I know it's a lot. I'm the one dealing with it. Don't you think I know it's a lot?"

I felt exhausted by the conversation already. I rubbed my forehead with my fingers. "I know, I know..."

She just watched me while I fidgeted, but I felt her soften against me, feeling more and more like my girlfriend again. In response, I wrapped one arm behind her back, around her waist, and let it rest there gently. I didn't pull her toward me, didn't push her any further; I simply wanted to feel close to her again.

"We used to fuck," she suddenly said in my ear, the one furthest from where Claire stood, nudging her shoulder inconspicuously at the pretty singer. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, but I figured you already knew."

I nodded. I knew.

"It was years ago," she continued. "She was the first girl I— Well, anyway, it doesn't matter. She's just a friend now."

I took a chance and glanced over at where Claire was beginning to look bored. I caught her staring, and she quickly looked away, tucking hair behind her ear.

"You sure about that?" I said in Billie's ear.

"On my end? Of course."

I nodded. That was the difference. I couldn't fault her for how someone else felt.

"Your friend kissed me," I said grudgingly.

Her eyes caught mine and her hand gripped my face. "What?"