if only

chapter 24

Mags' family was really lovely, and dinner was equally so, though Billie and I barely touched the food.

Billie wouldn't let go of my hand all night, clutching it tightly and holding it close to her heart. Her friend Zoe marveled over Billie's seeming obsession with me, pointing out how vulnerable Billie seemed, and being met only with irritation.

"It's not like I've never been vulnerable before," Billie scoffed, keeping my hand held tight in hers as she threw them both up in the air. "I've had partners I've been really close to."

"It's different," Mags said after overhearing her rant. "You two are just... different."

I blushed and kept my eyes on Billie, watching as she soaked that in. She looked sort of bewildered, almost embarrassed. She played with the ribbon at her throat nervously, and wouldn't look me in the eye.

Mags' parents gave speeches, and so did some of her friends. Billie gave a longer one than anyone else, adding in lots of inside jokes and funny voices, making everyone laugh. Mags rolled her eyes a lot, but when Billie got to the end, the two embraced tightly, and Mags let out a small, dry, sob.

There was silence after Billie's speech, and everyone looked around, waiting to see if anyone else would volunteer. No one did, so her dad cleared his throat, about to take over, when I felt myself standing up.

"Hi," I said nervously, and Billie grinned at me encouragingly. I gave a little laugh, and looked at Mags, perched on the edge of her chair in all black, beaming at me. Billie's bat earrings sparkled from her ears.

"Mags, before I met you, I was just coasting through all by myself. I was just getting by, just sort of, like, surviving, I guess. I had just moved here from the Midwest, and I wasn't interested in meeting anyone or doing anything other than excelling at school. There wasn't a lot of, um... light in my life."

I glanced down at Billie, seeing immediately how she glowed, lighting up the whole room. I reached and tucked a chunk of hair behind her ear, and kept going.

"And then you - and Billie - entered it all at once, and changed that. College is about experience, and before you, I had none. I knew how to write a paper, but not how to be a friends. You made me want the rest of the experience. And you did it like some weird gothic fairy or something, sprinkling pixie dust on me and swearing the whole time."

Mags laughed, bats glittering in the light.

"I— I'm just so grateful for you. Every time you've shown up for me, even if you're yelling at me, which you do a lot—"

Everyone laughed, making me think I wasn't the only person she yelled at on a regular basis.

"Whatever it is, you're just a constant in my life now. I could go on and on about how you could cure cancer or some shit, which you probably will. But the main thing I have to say is, thanks for being my best friend. You made college... better. I love you, dude."

I shrugged in conclusion, and Mags flung herself from my chair and into my arms. "I love you, babe," she murmured in my ear, and stroked my hair. We laughed together lightly, and I wiped a tear away from her cheek.

After dinner we said our goodbyes, which didn't really feel like goodbye at all, since I knew Mags was in my life forever now. On our way out, Mags hugged me again and patted my butt. "Okay, go be disgusting now, cuties."

. . . . .

Billie insisted we go back to her house after dinner so she could take Shark out.

"Thought you had someone who did that," I yawned, stretching on the front step while she unlocked the front door. I felt tired and overwhelmed by the day, carrying my heavy gown in my arms. I wanted to be flexible, for her, but I also just wanted my own bed.