if only

chapter 22

TRIGGER WARNING:
gender dysphoria during sex

. . . . .

No matter what, my body won't sleep past 7 am.

Billie hated it. On weekend mornings at her place, I would wake up hours before her, making coffee, walking Shark, having an entire morning before she would even rise. I would tell her, laughing at her grumbles, that it's fine, but still, she wasn't a fan.

On Thursday, I woke up at 7:08, finding Billie sound asleep beside me. My first class wasn't until 10, so I stretched and stared at the ceiling. These last classes before graduation felt like a waste of time, despite several of them requiring heavier papers due. I wanted to skip them, to lay in bed all day with the love of my life and not think about the future.

I rolled onto my side and stared at said love. Her hair was a mess, as usual, a huge nest of a knot on the right side, the rest fanned out every which way on the pillow. I was constantly finding long black hairs all over my bed, the floor, in my shower drain, all catching my eye with their bright red roots. I tried to smooth the knot with my hand, but it sprang back up the moment I took my hand away, and I laughed to myself.

Drool glistened in the corner of her mouth, her hand tucked under her chin, inadvertently catching it. Her eyelashes fanned out against her cheeks. That puffy lower lip jutted out in sleep, and I ached to kiss it.

So I did. I crept in close, and brushed my lips softly against hers. I never assumed for a moment that I'd wake her, but her eyes flew open, and her hands flung up wildly above her head in an intense stretch.

"Wha?" She slurred, eyes closing again as she continued her long reach, finally settling her arms between us. "Huh?"

I laughed softly and pulled her into my arms. "Go back to sleep, Bil."

But her eyes fluttered open, and she tried to focus on me, though they kept sliding shut with exhaustion again and again. "I'm awake."

"Yeah? Okay, baby." I kissed her cheek, then her mouth again, pushing her wild hair from her face, where a chunk had stuck to the drool. "You're awake."

"I am," she mumbled, eyes sliding closed. I watched her drift for a moment, smiling to myself at this pretty girl who called me hers, marveling.

Her eyes popped open with a start, and she wrenched herself up into a sitting position. "I'm up."

I laughed louder now. "You don't have to be. You were up late."

She had been; it was another long night for her and her brother, who were on calls with management until midnight, and then with each other while they discussed tour ideas. Billie had always been extremely specific about tour; it was the one aspect of her whole career that she loved the most. Performing was so important to her that she took on control of nearly all of it, from the sets, to the lighting, to... everything.

But she shook her head, rubbing her face in her hands. "I wanna see you. We didn't really hang out last night."

I shrugged. "I understand. I was writing, anyway."

"For school?"

"And for me, a little. Mostly school."

"I can't wait to watch you walk. My little graduate!"

I groaned and covered my face with my hands. As she well knew, I had no desire to walk at graduation. It seemed like such a silly rite of passage, this ridiculous ritual which told me what I already knew.

And... my parents wouldn't even be there. Though I hadn't quite found a way to voice that loss yet.

"I want to support you," she murmured, laying back down, this time half on top of me. "My mega hottie girlfriend is graduating and she deserves to be celebrated."