if only

chapter 16

february

On February 14th, I stood on Billie's doorstep with a dozen red roses, a giant stuffed teddy bear with a red bow tie, and a box of vegan chocolates from her favorite vegan candy shop. 

She answered the door, and busted up laughing. "You idiot."

I cheesed at her. "Can you please take something before I drop it all over your fuckin step?"

She laughed again and took the giant teddy, immediately hugging it. "Oh fuck, it's soft!!"

I followed her into the house, pleased that she thought my cheesy valentines gifts were as funny as I did.

Dropping onto the couch with the bear, she tipped over on top of it and snuggled in. "I love him."

Chuckling, I held up the roses. "Should I put these in water?"

"Yeah, vases above the sink."

I found one, filled it with water, and brought it to the island overlooking her living room. I began prepping the roses, feeling her eyes on me the entire time.

"Can't believe you did this shit."

I just smiled, cutting carefully, watching for thorns.

"You're either a great comedian or a hopeless romantic."

I looked up at her, smirking. She was still cuddled up with the bear, but now she was straightening his bow tie. I watched her for a moment, admiring her curves lightly showing through her sweatpants, her glowing skin, devoid of makeup. Her hair was getting so long, thrown over her shoulders, wild and unruly. As always, she was utterly perfect to me. My stomach filled with butterflies, making me feel silly and lightheaded and...

"Just in love," I said softly, my voice so light I wasn't sure she'd be able to hear me.

But she did. She turned away from the bear, and our eyes locked. However intense and deep it was, the moment went on too long, and I knew she wouldn't say it back. She was uncomfortable with it; I decided to make it easy for her.

"Or I'm probably just a comedian." I shrugged easily, like it didn't break my heart to take back such a deep admission. I broke our held gaze and went back to the flowers, cutting carefully.

"Let's go out somewhere."

Surprised, I looked up again, and her face was stone cold serious. I swallowed, and grabbed another rose—

"Ow, fuck!"

Pain coursed through my index finger, and I stared in slight wonder at the deep hole it suddenly had.

She jumped up in a second and hurried to my side. "The fuck did you do?!"

Blood pooled on my fingertip; I'd punctured it on a particularly sharp thorn. I watched it drip on the granite counter, and Billie grabbed my hand. She brought it to her mouth, and sucked.

"Billie—"

But she ignored me, holding it in her mouth. It throbbed, but then I felt her tongue run over the small wound, and I let out a small sigh of relief at the sensation.

"Bil, this is so gross..." I murmured, laughing awkwardly.

She just gave me a look, pressed her tongue to it again, and sucked lightly. She looked up at me with hooded eyes, and the whole thing suddenly seemed kind of... erotic.

"Fuck off," I laughed breathily, pulling my hand from her mouth. She let me, and I examined my finger. The wound wasn't deep, and her attentions had all but stopped the bleeding.