Helplessly Drowning To You

Chapter 10

Hinatid ako ni Lucian pauwi and up until now ay nagtataka parin ako kung pano nya nalamang ang bahay namin but I didn't dare to ask. I have this feeling that I might regret the result once I dare to ask him about that.

Kasalukuyan akong nakahiga at nakatitig lamang sa ceiling. Aaminin kong nag enjoy ako kanina, I'm glad that he makes me feel better and didn't take advantage of me cause if it's some other guy, they'll surely take advantage of those moment just like the guy in 7/11 but maybe Lucian is different, maybe there are still some guys who knows how to respect women and knows how to value their worth. Unlike Dale. Damn... I don't know why I'm suddenly being like this, comparing my boyfriend to some other guy seems ridiculous— but Lucian is not just some other guy. Napatakip ako sa muka ko nang maramdamang nag blush ito. Nababaliw na yata ako.

Napatingin ako sa cellphone ko nang mag ring ito, agad ko itong sinagot ng makitang si mama iyon. Napakunot pa ang noo ko nang makitang tumatawag ito. Wala ba sya sa kwarto nya?

"Ma?" She didn't answer nang tawagin ko ito. I only heard her sobbed. Maya-maya pa ay tila nahimasmasan na ito.

"Cassy, si Claire, lumala raw ang sakit nya. Her nanny called us a moment ago, telling us that Claire's in the emergency room because she felt pain at the side of her stomach and her asthma attacked her at the same time." I was shock with my mothers word but at the same time, I got confuse. I know my mother, she won't bother telling me some information about my sister unless... she needs something from me.

"Please... Be you sisters donor. Bata pa sya Cassy, she needs a healthier body than you, ni hindi nya manlang na experience na makapaglaro and now that her body is getting worst, she needs us, she need her sister." Malumanay na ani ni mama. Sanadali akong natahimik but realize that it's for my own sister but... I cant help but feel heavy to my mothers word. She only treat me like a family because she needs me but a moment ago ay halos pagtabuyan na ako nito sa pamilya. But I guess she really love Claire that much that she could able to plead for her.

"S—sure ma..."

"I'm glad to hear that! Pumunta ka dito sa hospital and prepare for the operation. Magpapa-check ka pa kung compatible ba kayo ni Claire ng kidney." She said at agad na pinatay ang tawag. R—right now? But I'm not having a sleep yet. Is she that excited to sacrifice me for Claire. Napailing ako sa negatibong naisip.

I arrive at the hospital through taxi. Agad akong pina examine and we're currently waiting for the result. Kita ko kung gano kinakabahan si mama sa maagiging resulta habang si papa nama'y inaalo si mama.

"Hello mister and miss Villaluna, we already got the result." Agad kaming napatayo mg dumating ang doctor.

"I'm happy to tell you that your daughter, Cassy, has the compatible kidney for Claire," maliit ang ngiting iginawad ng doctor. Kita ko ang tuwa sa muka nila mama at papa sa nalaman at maging ako ay natuwa rin para sakanila at kay Claire. "However, there's some issue about Cassy that may affect the operation. Since she's taking a medicine for her mental illness, this drugs could affect the operation. The only way to have a successful operation is for her to stop drinking the medicine, she had to sacrifice her mental illness for her sister." Nanlalaki ang matang napabaling ang mata ni mama at papa sakin habang ako'y kinakabahang napalunok. I've been drinking the medicine for 10 years already and suddenly stop taking it would affect me greatly but if I won't stop taking the medicine, Claire would suffer because of me.

"Mental illness? Psychological drugs?" Nagtatakang tanong ni papa.
I bit my lips when I saw disappointment on their eyes.

"I—I have a severe depression and I've been experiencing extreme Anxiety for the past 10 yea—" I wasn't able to continue my words when I suddenly felt a slap on my cheeks.

"Of all people your the one who could never have such psychological disorder. You are strong Cassy, so you couldn't have such things. Baka naman nag-iinarte ka lang?" Naiiling na ani ni mama.
"Sabihin mo nga, siguro ayaw mong gumaling si Claire ano?! I'm sure you do something para hindi matuloy ang operasyon." Napailing ako sa sinabi ni mama. I would never do such things and It hurt that they didn't even let me say something befor they hurt me physically and mentally.
"Your smart Cassy, it's impossible for you to have such illnesses. We didn't even saw you cry since the incident from 10 years ago and now you'll suddenly say that you're mentally ill?" Tila hindi makapaniwalang asik sakin ni papa.

"Just because you never saw me cry doesn't that I'm strong pa. Or not because you think that I should be strong ay dapat maging malakas ako, na dapat hindi ako makaramdam, na dapat araw-araw okay lang ako. I'm not a robot, I'm just a human who could be able to feel, I also get hurt pa and the I try to hide it, the more it gets worst!" Napaluha ang aking mata. No... I shouldn't cry in front of so many people.

Bumaling ako kay mama. "And ma, what do you mean na imposibleng magkaroon ako ng depression? Not just because I'm smart ay hindi na ako pwedeng magkaroon ng feeling. I could understand why you always invalidate my feelings but just once, kahit isang beses manlang sana'y maramdaman kong may pake rin kayo sakin! Not because you need me in times like this but because I'm your fucking daughter—" Natigilan ako nang makaramdam ng malakas na sampal sa aking pisngi. Napabaling pa ang ulo ko sa kabila at tila namanhid ang pisngi ko but I still felt the pain not just in my cheeks but also inside. Hindi ko na napigilan ang luhang kumawala sa mga mata ko. Kita ko ang pagkagulat nila ng makitang tumulo ang luha ko pero kitang-kita parin ang galit roon.

"How dare you talk to us like that?! Pagkatapos ka naming palamunin, bihisan, at patirahin ganyan na ang isusumbat mo? Ano may ipinaglalaki ka—"

"I never ask to be born ma! Hindi— hindi ko ginustong ma—mabuhay but..." pinunasan ko ang luha ko't matiim silang tinitigan. "But even though I badly want to die, I still tried to live for you, for papa, and for my sister. I always have to act strong so that, I won't be a burden for you, I always have to act strong because I don't want Claire to worry about me cause I want her to focus solely on her self. I act strong cause that's what you expect me to do but what about me ma, pa? What about my feelings? Naiintindihan ko namang kailangan kayo ni Claire eh pero pano naman ako? Anak nyo rin naman ako ah so why do you guy's keep on making me feel invalidated?!" Sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko. Tila ba'y sumabog na lahat ng mga kinimkim ko at nagkaroon ako bigla ng lakas ng loob para sabihin ang saloobin ko sakanila. Para sabihin kung gano nako nanghihina. Naramdaman kong nanginginig ang kamay ko. Anxiety attack.

"I suffered badly ma, from the incident 10 years ago and instead of comforting me, instead of making me feel better, you guys makes it fucking worse by blaming me again... And again... And again!" I saw how her eyes soften  for a moment but later on, her range came back. Tila ba'y mas lamang ang galit nito sa'kin.

Mabilis na lumapit sakin si papa at agad akong sinampal, this time ay mas masakit na ang sampal na iyon. "Stop disrespecting your own mother, you ungrateful child!" Papa snapped.

Napatitig ako sakanya habang inaalo nito si mama ay masama ang titig na ipinupukol nito sakin.

It's so unfair. Porket ako yung panganay dapat ako na lagi ang mag sacrifice, tapos kailangang lagi ko silang intindihan, I always have to control my self para maging good example ako sa kapatid ko. Naging invalid yung emotions ko. Kapag nagreact ako parang sobrang sama ko nang anak sa paningin nila. I don't even feel belong to our family!

I stepped back at tinalikuran ang mga masamang tingin ipinupukol nila sa akin. Naglakad ako palayo sakanila, palayo sa sarili kong pamilya na naging rason ko kung bakit gusto kong magpatulog sa buhay ngunit sya ring naging rason kung bakit gusto ko ng sumuko.

A/N:
Hello Luvs! Sorry sa mga errors and wrong grammars.

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