You don't have to suffer alone

chapter 3

~ Charlie's POV ~ 

Luna went to bed and Nick and i are getting ready to go to bed ourselfs too. I cuddle up on Nick's chest feeling really good, we are where we're supposed to be in life.

"how do you feel Char?" "i feel complete, we are exactly where we're supposed to be. And i can't wait to give Luna a safe home, i really hope she warms up to us." "i really hope so too, i feel bad for her i think she's going through a lot" "she definitely is" i agree.

We talk for a little while and we decided we're not going to ask Luna questions about what's going on with her just yet, we want her to warm up to us first. 

Tomorrow we're going to the store early in the morning to surprise her with a bookshelf and i can't wait to see how she reacts. 

Nick cuddles up to me kissing the top of my head while i lay on his chest and i feel myself falling asleep. I love our life together.

~ Luna's POV ~

I told Nick and Charlie goodnight and got upstairs. I don't know how i'm going to sleep tonight. I literally had a PTSD flashback in front of them and i was panicking so bad, why couldn't i just suck it up, why did i have to act like that?! And if i really couldn't ignore it i should've just excused myself and go to my room.

I'm so fucking embarrassed, i can't trust them with that part of my life yet, it's too soon. I don't trust anything going on at the moment, i really need to hide my feelings better, this is not going good. I really really hate myself.

I feel an urge coming but i'm at a new place with new people, this is the last thing i should be doing. They can't find any of this out. Then i remember i have my own bathroom here, that's great. Negative thoughts keep rushing through my head and i can't get my brain to shut up.

The urge gets stronger and stronger and i run to my bathroom and lock it so i won't be able to get caught. I grab the sharpest thing i can find, some scissors, and i break down on the floor crying. I hurt myself and my brain wants me to do more and more. 

I panic at the sight of seeing blood, i've never hurt myself this deep before and i don't know what to do now. I take some deep breaths trying to calm myself and i put everything away. I rinse my wrist with water and put some bandages on it, not really knowing what else i should do. 

I decide i need to try and sleep so i get myself comfortable in my new bed, it's so big i'm not used to it but i'm not complaining at all. 

My mind is racing and i scream into my pillow, why can't my brain just shut up for more than 5 fucking minutes?!  I'm so tired, i want to sleep but i can't. I can see the time turning 12.00am and at 1.00am i'm still awake. 

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I can't remember when i fell asleep but it's 3.50am right now and i jolt awake. I feel really uneasy and i'm hyperventilating. I can't even remember what i was dreaming about but it was stressing me out and now i'm having a panic attack. 

Breathe Luna breathe, you need to fucking breathe! I cry and cry trying to calm myself but whatever i try i can't.  I wish i had somebody who could hug me right now and tell me everything will turn out okay, someone who is able to calm me down, but i'm all on my own. 

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~ Charlie's POV ~ 

It's 9am and i wake up with Nick staring at me with a big smile. "well goodmorning, how long have you been staring at me?" i giggle, he's just adorable. He looks away guilty "hmm not that long just.. 30.. minutes" "Nickk" i chuckle and he gives me a kiss. "you were just sleeping so peacefully, it was adorable." he admits, i can't with him. 

We get up out of bed getting ready to go to the store for Luna, i'm excited for today. I go to the bathroom washing my face and then i look in the mirror and a wave of insecurity hits me out of no where. 

~ Nick's POV ~ 

Charlie got out of bed to get ready for the day, we're going to the story soon and i can't wait to see Luna's reaction for what we have planned for her. Charlie just went to the bathroom and i get changed into some trousers and a t-shirt.

When i'm done changing, Charlie hasn't come out of the bathroom yet so i decide to check on him if he's okay. I knock on the door but there's no response so i decide to just go in to see if he's alright. I open the door and Charlie is just standing in front of the mirror in some sort of trans, staring at himself with tears rolling down his cheeks. 

I walk over to him turning his head away from the mirror, he starts blinking again and he comes back to reality. I hold his face in my hands just staring at him and he breaks down crying and i wrap my arms tightly around him. "shh baby it's okay" 

Charlie has struggled with body dysmorphia for as long as i've known him and some days are better then others and today is going to be a hard day for him. 

I'm still hugging him while he cries and i rock him a little bit in my arms to calm him. Some time passed and i break the hug putting his face in my hands again. I kiss his forehead then his nose and then his lips. "Darling you are absolutely beautiful even though you don't feel like that right now, remember it's just a bad day and i'm here to help you through it okay?" i remind him.

"Thank you i love you" he breaths out. "Do you want one of my hoodies to wear today?" i offer probably knowing the answer already and as expected Charlie immediately nods his head. We leave the bathroom together and i hand him one of my hoodies and he puts it on almost immediately.

"Do you want to talk about it Char?" "no it's okay i want to take my mind off of it as much as i can" "okay that's fine maybe we can talk about it later today" "mhm"

Luna's room is still dark so we just let her sleep and we go downstairs together to get some breakfast and after what happened in the bathroom, i'm not sure if Charlie will eat anything but i'm going to try anyways.

~ Charlie's POV ~

I'm sitting at the kitchen table while Nick makes us some coffee. "What do you want Char?" he asks me but after what happened this morning, i'm not sure if im able to get any food in my system today but i know i really should. 

I'm in recovery for my eating disorder for 9 years now and it's going much better. Sometimes i'm still having bad days or even bad weeks but i haven't had a bad relapse with my eating for some time now and i really want to try and keep it that way, even though i've been stressed out this whole week. So i know i shouldn't skip breakfast but i really don't know if i can.

Nick snaps me out of my thoughts when i see him standing in front of me all of the sudden. "After what happened in the bathroom i get that it's really hard for you to have some breakfast right now but should we try something small and simple and eat it together?" Nick offers and i immediately relax a bit, "yes please" i sigh out. 

Being this nervous about a meal hasn't happen in a few months now and i don't like that it's happening again. Nick made me a toast with some eggs on it and fruit cut up on the side. We eat it together bite by bite, i've eaten all of the fruits and my toast is almost finished but my brain stops me from eating the rest of it.

I slide my plate away not wanting to look at the food anymore and i feel dissapointed in myself that i can't even finish it. "Char you did absolutely amazing it's okay to not eat everything, i'm proud of you" Nick walks over to me and kisses me and i feel better instantly. It's insane what he can do to make me feel better, one kiss is all it takes.