You don't have to suffer alone

chapter 11

~ Luna's POV ~

After making a list with Nick and Charlie i went upstairs and i flopped down on my bed, feeling more relaxed then before but still terrified for this therapy appointment.

I'm trying to ignore that the urge is still there and i start to watch my favorite Netflix show, Ginny & Georgia to distract myself but it works for only 5 minutes. This urge is really eating me alive and i can't handle it anymore. I'm letting it win.

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It's the next day and i'm an absolute nervous wreck, my heart is pounding like crazy and i'm really trying not to cry. I'm trying to comfort myself about the fact that Nick and Charlie are coming with me and that i'm not on my own, but that's fucking hard when you're in panic mode.

I get dressed into some sweatpants and a hoodie, not in the mood to try my best for an outfit right now. I just want this day to be over with already, i really don't want to go. When i'm dressed and grabbed my stuff i go downstairs where Nick and Charlie are sitting already. 

"Morning" Charlie smiles at me and motions for me to come eat breakfast with them but i feel sick to my stomach from the anxiety and i don't think i can eat anything right now. I sit down anyways and try some food because i am hungry, but after only one bite i'm too nauseous to eat any more and i push my plate away. 

"Don't you want anything?" Nick asks me and i shake my head no "i'm so nauseous i can't eat anything" "that's okay do you want to bring something if you get hungry later?" he asks and i just shrug not wanting to think about food. "we'll pack you something" Charlie says, reading my body language. I smile at him gratefully. 

I just kinda zone out and look around the room, hoping time will go by faster. I start thinking about therapy again, bad decision Luna, but i can't stop it.

I put my arms and head on the table. I'm spiralling and panicking so bad from the inside, i don't like this at all.

You're telling me that they're people that actually want to help me instead of yelling at me. What if she is going to leave me too like everyone else?! I'm just so hard to deal with and i'm burdening everyone. Everyone is probably so dissapointed in me, i can't. 

I can't hold back the tears anymore and i feel myself starting to cry and my chest tightens again and i start to hyperventilate. All i can hear is my parents yelling at me how wortless i am, what a dissapointed i am, that it's better if i'm gone because no one wants me here and that i'm a burden to everyone. 

Nick sits me up and now i can't hide my face anymore.

~ Nick's POV ~ 

Luna is really quiet and i can tell she's anxious like crazy. She puts her head on the table and i feel like she might start crying but i want to let her be for a little bit. Charlie and i give each other a worried look while continuing eating breakfast.

All of the sudden we can hear her gasping for air starting to hyperventilate and Charlie and i look at each other once again. I sit Luna up, wanting to look at her and it'll give her some more air to breathe properly.

She looks at me for a moment and then closes her eyes really shut not opening them. She's hyperventilating pretty bad and shaking so much. I try to grab her hands to comfort her but she pushes me away. She covers her ears with her hands, still breathing really quick. 

"I don't know how to help without touching her" i say to Charlie, really worried. I want to help so bad but it's still hard for me to know how to help the best and what she needs the most right now. Charlie slowly removes Luna's hands from her ears "Luna can you hear us?" Charlie asks but we don't get a response.

We decide to sit with her for a moment, hoping it will pass by its self. A few minutes go by and she opens her eyes again, still shaking and breathing heavy but not as bad as a few minutes ago. "Can you hear us honey?" Charlie asks again and Luna nods. "Can i touch you?" i ask her and she nods.

I grab her hands in mine drawing circles on it to calm her down. "Can you follow our breathing, let's try in for 5 seconds and out for 8 seconds today" i suggest and she just nods again. Charlie and i breathe together and she breaths with us, trying her best. I can tell she's struggling to keep up but it gets better and better every breath we take.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" i ask her after her breathing is much more calmer again. She shakes her head no and lets go of my hands wiping away her tears. I don't want to pressure her any further so Charlie and i just let it be, but we're both giving each other a look that we're going to try and talk about it with her later on today.

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~ Charlie's POV ~

"Ready to go?" Nick asks both me and Luna and we both nod. We get in the car and Nick drives us to the therapy place. It's a 20 minute drive and it's really silent in the car. It's driving me crazy and stressing me out so much, it's not a nice silence, it's a really anxious setting in our car.

Nick grabs one of my hands in his and kisses it "do you want to put some music on my love?" he asks me and i smile at him. He knows me so well, it almost scares me. I grab my phone and start playing some music in the car. 

20 minutes later we arrive at the place. Luna stops before we go in and closes her eyes taking some deep breaths. "Can i hug you Luna?" i ask and she nods her head and i wrap her in my arms immediately and Nick joins. We hug her for some time until we let go. 

"It's okay Luna, everything will be okay. We're here with you, we have the list we made together, you don't have to do this on your own remember?" Nick says and Luna nods smiling a bit, she's been quiet ever since this morning, i hope everything will be okay in therapy.

A few deep breaths later we all go inside.

~ Luna's POV ~ 

After hugging Nick and Charlie outside and taking deep breaths we just got inside the place. I'm shaking like crazy and i wish i could just run away, i don't want to be here.

We wait in the waiting room for what feels like an hour, but i think it was like ten minutes. A woman walks into the room "Luna Nelson." Nick, Charlie and i all stand up and i can feel the tears already. "Hi i'm Zoey" she introduces herself and we do too. 

We step inside her office and sit down and i take a deep breath, swallowing my tears.

Here. We. Go.