You don't have to suffer alone

chapter 5

~ Charlie's POV ~

It's been three weeks since Luna moved in with us, i feel like she's really warming up to us. She's more talkative then before and i feel like she's more herself now then when she first got here, so that's really good progress.

I'm sure we don't know everything about her yet because when it comes to feelings she's really within herself and not showing a lot of emotions. But i hope with time that'll come too. 

It's her first day on her new school today so we're all up early to have breakfast together. I wonder if she's nervous or excited? 

~ Luna's POV ~ 

I wake up from my alarm and i want to snooze but i can't. I don't want to be late on my first day, i've been dreading this day for weeks now and now it's officially time. I hate everything about school, the people, the presentations, the deadlines, the exams, the pressure, the anxiety, i hate it. 

Over the last few weeks i had some pretty bad self harm relapses, the state of my depression i've been in is not good, but my PTSD flashbacks has been less then before and i'm glad. I've been really struggling, but i can't let anyone know, i would rather do it on my own because i now i can trust myself.

I've been feeling at home here, Nick and Charlie are really nice people and i'm glad i found them to care for me. It's been different from every where else i've lived. I feel like i'm really warming up to this new life. 

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After getting ready, putting some make-up on and choosing jewellery, i go downstairs. I'm shaking so bad i don't know if i'm going to survive this day. "Goodmorning Lun do you feel ready for today?" Charlie asks me and i just shrug feeling too nervous to say anything, i don't want to break down crying.

"Are you nervous?" Nick asked me and i can see them both looking at me with a worried look. I'm debating if i'm going to let them in a little bit and be honest and i decide i should. 

"Yeah i am really bad, but i don't want to talk about it, sorry. I don't want to cry or have a panic attack right now so i don't want to think about it just yet" i ramble out kinda stressed. "Can i hug you?" Nick asks me for consent and i nod my head yes. Before i moved in here i never thought hugs could make you feel loved and calm but now i do. 

Nick wraps his arms around me and hugs me for a little bit "it's going to be okay, just be yourself and take deep breaths. If something is wrong you can always call us, or text us to pick you up early okay?" "i will thank you" i smile. 

I break the hug starting to feel uncomfortable and uneasy, i shake my hands a little bit while taking deep breaths. "Shall we go?" i ask wanting this day to be over with already. "Don't you want any breakfast? We have some time" Charlie says but i'm too nauseous from anxiety to eat anything right now. I just shake my head no and they drive me to school.

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I get to my class and we all get to know each other. The girl next to me tries to talk to me and she seems really nice and social. But i'm staying silent as much as i can. My whole body is shaking and my heart is pounding i really want to get out of here. 6 more hours Luna, 6 more hours.

I can't focus on anything the teacher is saying, my head hurts, everything is so overwhelming i don't know if i can handle this. The bright lights in the classroom make my head hurt, people who were pushing against me in the hallway making me feel trapped, the clock ticking in our classroom right now it's making me go crazy, people around me are whispering and laughing and i feel so uneasy, i hear all these pens ticking on the table, the teacher is talking, the person next to me is trying to talk to me, this is all too much.

I start to feel really hot and trapped, i need to get away from here right now. I can feel tears starting to form in my eyes and my heart is pounding out of my chest. I start to gasp for air and that's when i know i need to leave the classroom right now. I grab my bag and run out of the classroom into the nearest bathrooms i can find. 

I sink down to the floor breaking down in tears, hyperventilating. I'm debating in my head if i should call Nick or Charlie to help me and come pick me up but i don't want to be a burden and i don't want to show and explain my feelings to them. I don't feel ready for that. 

This panic attack is bad, my chest starts cramping and it feels as if i'm suffocating, i'm so incredibly scared. My brain says i should call Nick or Charlie, i dial Nick's number and press the call button but then i withdraw from the idea and i end the call.

I'm sitting here in a random bathroom all by myself having the worst panic attack i've experienced in a while. I really don't know what to do. 

I can hear someone walking into the bathrooms and the girl kneels down in front of me. I jump at the sudden movement but i calm down a little when i realise it's Ivy, she was the girl who was sitting next to me in class.

"Hey you ran out of the classroom and i wanted to make sure you're okay and i looked for you, what's wrong?" she asks me and i can tell she's concerned and her concern feels really genuine but i don't know who to trust, my brain is an absolute mess when it comes to trusting people.

But i need help right now and she can see that i'm not okay, so lying wont get me far right now, i need to be honest. "i-i- c-c-a-n't b-br-eath" i panic and i grab my chest in pain. 

"I think you're having a panic attack Luna, you're safe, nothing's going to happen to you, it'll be okay. Can you take some deep breaths with me?" Ivy says to me and i try to focus on her but i'm so overwhelmed that it's really hard. 

"Hey Luna, deep breaths with me, try to focus on my voice" i try my hardest to focus on her and she breaths deeply and i try to follow her. It takes a lot of time and breaths but i can feel myself starting to calm down again and my chest pains slowly fade away. 

"That's better girly, good job" Ivy smiles at me and i let out another deep breath while wiping my tears away. "t-thanks Ivy, i-i'm r-really s-sorry" i apologise. "No need to say sorry, it's not your fault you can't contol panic attacks" she says to me. 

I wonder how she knew what to do to help me, "h-how did you k-know w-what to d-do?" i ask, my voice still shaking. "I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder 3 years ago, i have a lot of panic attacks myself too" she says to me and i can't help but feel safe with Ivy already. 

She trusts me with something like that and she's really nice, i like her. Maybe this will be my first friendship i ever had...