You don't have to suffer alone

chapter 18

~ Luna's POV ~

What did i do?! I just yelled at Nick and Charlie!! They're for sure going to kick me out now! Why did i do that?!! I'm so stupid, why Luna, why! I'm so scared now. 

I run down the stairs crying uncontrollably, fearing the absolute worst. "I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have yelled! I'm sorry, i promise i won't ever do it again! Please don't hit me and please forgive me! I'm really really sorry, please don't kick me out!" i ramble out crying and starting to hyperventilate. Nick stands up and tries to hugs me but i flinch at the movement and i push him away a little "N-no please n-no!" i cry out feeling so scared right now, i want to stay here, i like it here.

~ Nick's POV ~

Luna just came down the stairs completely broken down, i hate seeing her like this but at the same time i'm really glad that she came down stairs and didn't stay in her room alone. 

"I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have yelled! I'm sorry, i promise i won't ever do it again! Please don't hit me and please forgive me! I'm really really sorry, please don't kick me out!" she rambles out crying and i can tell she's starting to hyperventilate. 

I hate that she still feels like someone will yell at her, hit her or kick her out when something small happens. I wish i could take those thoughts away from her. I decide to hug her hoping to calm her down so we can talk but Luna flinches at my movement and pushes me away a little. "N-no please n-no!" i can tell she's feeling so scared.

"Luna sweetheart, please take some deep breaths with me, it's okay, you're allowed to show how you feel here. You will never be kicked out and no one is going to hit you. You are safe here and i know that it's hard to believe for you in these moments, but i promise you, you are safe. Can i please give you a hug to calm you down?" i tell her and she nods a little taking my words in, i can tell. 

I wrap her tightly in my arms while she cries in my chest. "Luna what is going on honey? You can talk to us" i try to assure her but i don't know if i'll be able to get through to her right now. "N-nothing, i'm just s-so sorry" "no apologising honey, you're struggling and we get that more then anyone. You're allowed to express your feelings to us. If you're not ready to talk to us right now, that's okay, but please do eventually. Or else write it down for us okay?" i try and she nods her head, letting go. 

Luna goes back upstairs and i sit back down with Charlie, who's also upset.

~ Charlie's POV ~ 

Luna goes back upstairs and i feel so bad that i couldn't be there for her, but i just couldn't. I couldn't proces anything she was saying and the only thing i can focus on are the loud thoughts in my head, screaming at me that i don't deserve any food.

Nick sits back down with me but i push my plate away being so done with it. Just thinking about having to eat any more, makes me so nauseous. "we'll try again another time" Nick comforts me and kisses my cheek. We both know by now that pushing me further when i feel like this isn't going to help at all and will only make it worse after. 

Nick puts away all the food and i go sit down in the living room, i'm so disappointed in myself, why can't i just fucking eat like a normal human being. This will forever haunt me, no matter how much therapy and recovery i did. It always comes back. 

~ Nick's POV ~

I put away all the food after Charlie pushed his away. I learned by now not to push any further then that point. If he pushes his food away then that's his firm limit and it'll only make it worse if someone pushes him past that.

Charlie quietly walked into the living room and after putting everything away i go sit down with him. He's fidgeting with his sleeves and breathing a bit quicker. I lift his chin up to pull him out of his thoughts and he looks at me with tears in his eyes. When he sees me, he starts breathing slower again, meaning he stopped overthinking for a little.

"Talk to me my love" i say after kissing him. Charlie looks at me but isn't responding to my question and i feel like he's overthinking again. "i'm not going to be mad or anything like that Char, i want to understand you and i want to help my beautiful husband" i try to convince him so he'll just tell me what's going on in his head. I think it worked because he faintly smiles before responding.

"I'm really disappointed in myself, i couldn't even be there for Luna! And i still can't eat like a fucking human! This will forever haunt me, no matter how much therapy and recovery i did. It always comes back." Charlie cries out and i hate to see him back in these spiralling thoughts, just like highschool. I can tell he feels so hopeless and i wish i could take that away again.

"You were dealing with your own thoughts at the moment so i stepped up to be their for Lun and that's okay, you don't have to be there for her 24/7 if you can't always do that. We're a team. And don't be disappointed in yourself, i know it's hard to see, but you did eat half Char, you know how amazing that is of you?! I'm really proud of you baby! And i hope one day you will see that again too. There's just a step back but somehow we will always make sure that we move further after that. It's okay Char, i promise, it's going to be okay." i wrap Charlie in my arms and he snuggles into my chest.

"Thank you baby, i love you" is the only thing he responds but i know he's just processing it and trying to believe it even though it's hard for him. "Can you please tell me next time you're doing so bad Char? I knew over the last months that you got back into struggling with eating, but you never told me how severe it was and you don't need to keep that from me, i want to support you babe" i tell him and he nods. "I'm sorry baby, honestly, i just- i didn't realise how bad i was again until i spoke to June about it, i'm sorry Nick. I promise to talk to you next time" "i get it Char, it's okay, i love you" 

~ Luna's POV ~ 

I know they said that they won't kick me out, but i can't help it that i don't believe any of that. I've been here before, i knew that i couldn't trust anyone but myself so why did i try?! I don't want to do this anymore. I made Nick and Charlie feel mentally bad, it's my fault, everything is my fucking fault! 

What's the point?? It's better to just disappear and don't burden anyone ever again.

I can't help but let this strong urge win, it's too much. Everything is way too much and i'm done with all of it. I can't do it anymore.

I push the scissors down my wrist until i can see blood coming out of it. It's never been this deep before and normally this would freak me out, but it gives me some relief right now. My thoughts quiet down little by little until i cut myself so deep that i begin to feel incredibly lightheaded.

It freaks me out because i never felt lightheaded before and i don't know what to do now. My mind starts to get more and more quiet and i become more and more dizzy and then i can't hold myself up anymore and everything around me slowly turns black...