You don't have to suffer alone

chapter 9

~ Luna's POV ~ 

"Luna!" Nick says to me and he waves his hand in front of me which snaps me out of my thoughts. I don't know when they came in my room but all of the sudden they're both sitting on my bed with me. I look at them and then i realise what's going on and i panic. 

I look at the blade in my hand and then at my wrist and then back at them. The tears i already had in my eyes are now full on spilling and i completely break down. I don't want to break down in front of them and i wish i could hold it in, but i really can't hold this in any longer. 

Nick wraps me in my arms and i cry in his chest, starting to hyperventilate. I'm still cautious and basically waiting for someone to yell at me but i know that Nick and Charlie won't do that and my body really needs to start trusting them.

"Breathe honey, deep breaths" Nick says while he kisses the top of my head. "Luna can you look at me?" i do as Charlie says and we breathe together. "T-thank y-you, i'm s-so so-rry" "that word is banned here in this household, you don't need to apologise" We giggle a little, while i'm still crying.

"Can you give me the blade?" i slowly let go of it knowing they wont let me keep it, and hand it to Nick and he hides it out of my sight. Charlie sits down on the other side of me so now they're both sitting on one side rubbing my back and Nick is holding one of my hands. 

"Can you please talk to us sweetie? We want to help you and we want to know what's going on, you don't have to suffer alone" something about Nick telling me this and Charlie rubbing my back is really giving me trust and confidence to tell them how i feel and there's no point in lying now anyways.

"O-okay, you're right, i-i will" "take your time, we understand that this is really hard for you, there's no pressure, we'll talk everything through in your pace okay?" Charlie asks me and i nod my head giving him a smile and a hug, i started to love hugs ever since i moved in here.

"I just- i don't want you guys to kick me out, because of how broken i am" i admit and they both look at me right away "we are here to help you pick up your pieces and heal, we are never ever kicking you out, you're our family" Charlie says and i tear up at his words and he kisses my forehead.

"This is really weird for me because i always had to do everything on my own and the only person i can trust is myself. This past month with you have been almost to good to be true and i really fear something bad will happen, my brain is such a mess when it comes to trusting people and feeling safe with someone and i really hate it." i ramble out trying not to overthink everything i'm going to say to them. I take a deep breath before i continue.

"I've been struggling with depression for over a year now and it's been really bad. I have all these negatieve thoughts about my life and myself and just everything. I'm not in the mood to get out of bed and i don't want to do anything, I just want my mind to be quiet for a little bit and i don't want to feel anymore. The only thing that makes my mind quiet is self harming, it's the only thing that calms me down, i can't calm myself down in any other way. And my anxiety is also really bad, i've been struggling with it since as long as i can remember and well as you probably figured out i struggle with so many panic attacks too and i don't know how to handle them. And you know i have PTSD and i'm having a hard time accepting everything, i feel like since i moved in here the flashbacks got less then before but i'm just struggling a lot and school feels as too much too." i ramble everything out at once without thinking and i start crying, i feel so relieved right now. No more secrets.

Nick and Charlie both hug me and let me calm down a little before Nick starts talking "before we respond to anything else i just want to say that i'm really really proud of you Luna, i'm really glad you opened up to us and i know how hard that must've been for you. And i'm also really glad to hear that your PTSD flashbacks has been less since you live here, we are both so incredibly proud of you" i just calmed down but now i'm full on crying again because i never heard someone say that they're proud of me. "No one has ever s-said to me that they're p-proud of me, so this means a l-lot to me" i tell them. I will cherish this moment forever. They hug me again before talking again.

"To be honest i know how easy it is to say this but trust me, i struggled a lot when i was younger and Nick let me realise that you don't need to fix everything on your own. It'll really alleviate your struggles to just talk about it and speaking about it out loud. You can trust us, you don't have to suffer alone, we're here to help you, everyday. How small or big your struggle is. And i get that you're waiting for like 'the bad news' to come but i promise you, this is your new life now. No bad things will happen in this house, you are safe and you deserve to feel loved and safe." I hug Charlie and he kisses the top of my head.

"Can you try and talk to us if you ever feel so bad that you feel the need to self harm? We can help you calm down and talk everything through with you. I get that it's really hard to cope with, i've seen it happen before but we can atleast try and make it less unbearable for you." Nick says and i nod my head responding to his question. It's really scary but i realise i can really trust them and they will help me no matter what. They would never scream at me for this.

"And lets talk to the school too to make that less stressful for you because dealing with all of this and having to go to school all the time, is a lot" Charlie says and i agree, it's way too much.

"Lets also agree that you tell us how you feel and what's going on no matter what, that way we can support and comfort you whenever you don't feel okay" Nick says and i promise it to them. "It may take some time because i'm not used to it but i'll try my best, i promise" "trying your best is more than enough. And we could also ask you some questions throughout the day about how you're doing if you want? That way you don't have to start the conversation you can just answer our question" Charlie suggests and i think that's a great idea. 

"Luna i know what i'm about to say will probably stress you out, but i think we should find you a therapist to help you. This is way too much to deal with at 13 years old." Nick says and indeed it stresses me out. 

"N-no i- i'm too scared, i-i can't even talk t-to y-you guys let alone a s-stranger. I d-don't feel safe and don't trust it" i panic. Charlie places a reassuring hand on my thigh but i flinch at the feeling and he removes his hand immediately. I start stressing out a lot and i get up from the bed feeling the need to have space and walk around.

I pace back and forth in front of the bed taking deep breaths until Nick stands up and hugs me not saying anything, just comforting me. I break down to the floor crying and Nick sits next to me still hugging me and not letting go. Charlie sits up next to me too. 

"I don't want to feel like this anymore, everything scares me, i hate my life, i hate myself, i hate everything. What did i do to deserve everything my parents put me through, it's not fucking fair" i ramble out, i'm stressed, i'm angry and i'm just feeling everything at once. 

Nick and Charlie don't say anything and just let me be for a minute until i calm down. "It's not your fault Luna, you did absolutely nothing wrong, it's them with a problem, you can't blame yourself for it darling" Charlie reassures me and i try to believe it, but it's hard.

"What do you think about this idea; what if Charlie and i or one of us, whatever you want, come to therapy with you until you feel safe enough to go alone?" Nick suggest and i immediately relax by the thought of that. 

"That's actually a really good idea, i think i'm okay with that" i say. "We will start looking for someone okay?" "mhm" 

"Can i clean your wrist please?" Nick asks me and i hesitate, i don't want him to see me like this. Nick and Charlie share a look that i can't really figure out and then Charlie leaves my room. 

"I understand it's scary but i just want to help you, not get it infected and stuff. So can i please clean and wrap it up?" Nick asks me and i nod. He genuinely wants to help, so i decide to let him. 

He cleans my wrist and i wince in pain, i have tears in my eyes from how much it hurts but i know it's the only way to get it clean. "I'm sorry Lun, almost done." Nick wraps my wrist in a bandaid and then gives me a kiss on the forehead. "All done, i love you" Nick says to me and i fall into his arms, hugging him back.

I actually feel proud of myself. I never felt like that but i am. I opened up and i actually have people around me that i can trust and make me feel safe. I've never felt loved, but now i do, i really do. I'm relieved i don't have to hide my feelings anymore.

Laying in Nick's arms, i feel calm, i feel safe and i feel my eyes starting to get heavy and i fall asleep.