My Autumn with April

Thirty One

~April~

This has to have been the worst Christmas in my history books. Had to have been. I don't think it could have been worse than this. I was so distracted I ruined dinner. Burned everything. And then I had to somehow not break down over the fact my life was falling apart again. I know your twenties are supposed to be hard but what the actual fuck is this? 

I either loose Elliott or loose my career. Loose my dad, or have my parents living hundreds of miles away. 

I don't even know what to do. I'd agreed, stupidly, to his dad's demands. Figuring that it would bide me some time to work this out without it damaging the bakery. I needed that money to live. If it went under I was completely fucked. 

I hadn't spoken to Elliott since. Text the group that I wanted to spend Christmas eve with my parents, that dad was having a rough day and he just wanted some family time so that bought me Christmas eve and Christmas day, obviously. I turned my phone off for them both. Hoping that not seeing any messages from him would make this hurt less but it didn't because I knew it was the right thing to do. His dad was right. I'd spent the past 7 weeks convincing myself the knowledge of that was just anxiety but he was right. 

Being with El was dragging him down. This town hates me and my family and he shouldn't be made to give up everything he's worked so fucking hard to keep. The ice cream shops and the market. They need their business. They need the towns support. He needs this place more than I do. 

"There you are." My heart lurched out of my mouth and I quickly swiped the freezing tears off my cheeks as the girls sat down on either side of me. "Your mum said you'd gone out for a little bit and we figured if you weren't home or at the bakery, you'd be down here." 

"Well that was a boring game of hide and seek. I'd have done a better job if I knew you were looking for me." 

"Well, if your phone was turned on, you'd have seen the 12 million texts-" 

"And calls." 

"From all of us." Maya handed me a small plastic cup, filling it with coffee from a thermos before pouring her own and then Autumn's. "You've been AWOL for almost 3 days Ape, what's going on?" 

"With me? Nothi-" They both scoffed. "What? Nothing. Everything's-" 

"You know we saw your mum packing the last of their things into the car right?" The boulder in my chest grew. Doubling, then tripling in size until it was threating to break my ribs and erupt from me. Tear me apart from the seams I was fighting to keep together. "That's gotta suck April. I mean, you just got them back." 

"You said things were going well. What- what happened?" 

"Too many bad memories." I looked down into my tea and straightened my back out, hoping I'd be able to breathe if I just gave my lungs space to inflate. "They're worried that staying here is going to cause him to relapse so better them both go find somewhere else to settle that won't make him want to drink." Silence consumed the 3 of us. "Which is fine. I mean, I'm still here. I'm sure 90% of people won't be happy about that but you know what, the bakery is doing well and as long as it is, I'm not going anywhere. I kind of sunk all of my savings into it so it's not like I have a choice either way is it?" 

I had to laugh because I feel like right now I'm stood at the edge of this precipice. It's a murderous, drop on the other end. One I don't know if I'd ever recover from. And the wolves are getting closer. The weapons I've had since I came back 6 months ago are gone. I'm alone and terrified and it's death or death right now. No option is the better option. Nothing I do here is right. 

"What do you mean 90% of people won't be happy you're still here?" 

"People really don't like me Autumn. I know you guys don't see it or whatever because you guys love seeing the best in people. But I can just go to the market for milk and people are scoffing and glaring at me. I have lost count of the number of death threats I've had posted through the bakery door. All hand written, all different hand writing. I get it, that you know, my parents fucked up and I could very much be the same. I get it. It's just a matter of time. People getting used to me being here and learning to trust me so it's fine." I could feel them both looking between each other and then me but I just swallowed some of the coffee and stared out at the sea. "I just hate that it's all one more reason why I can't have my parents here like everyone else can. Because people can't believe that my dad can change. They haven't even given him a chance and now I'm loosing him and mum all over again and it's not fair that I can take all of their fucking letters, all their harassment, all their judgmental looks and it's still me that has to loose out on it all. I know- I know they fucked up. I know they did-" 

"But that doesn't mean they haven't changed." 

"They were in shit circumstances and your mum had to do what she did to keep you fed and alive." 

"And your dad- he wasn't okay and sure that doesn't excuse the abuse but he's trying to get it right this time and that means a hell of a lot more than doing nothing to be a better person." They shuffled closer and I laid my head down onto Maya's shoulder. "You're not doing any of this alone April. We know you like to keep things to yourself but you don't need to. Not with us. Anything you need to get off your chest, we're here for it and it stays between us." 

"Exactly. You two literally know almost every detail of my baggage. It literally can't be that bad." Autumn chuckled at her own cargo ship of trauma in comparison to my row boat. "Doesn't mean it's not fucked up though." 

"Oh not at all." Maya rested her head on mine. "Just means Autumn's more fucked up than we are." 

"Hey!" 

"Oh come on Autumn, you are literally insane!" 

"That is not because of my past that's from having you as a cousin!" I snickered, sitting up as they both started bickering. "I don't know why you're laughing. Do you even know what it's like to be related to her? You're lucky! You only see her a few times a week. She is with me all the damn time. And then when she's not, she's texting or calling or- you face timed me whilst you went to the toilet yesterday!" 

"Because you were chatting some bullshit about Jonah being better at painting your house than me!" 

"BECAUSE HE IS!"