Survivor's Guilt

IV (Timebomb)

It was no surprise the first Silver Scream Con was a success. Spencer poured his heart and soul into ensuring it went off without a hitch. We flew back to Los Angeles where we'd spend a glorious two days together before we kicked off the second part of the Trinity of Terror tour. Our conversation about Dev kept getting put on the back burner, our schedules never matched up to get a free moment, and it was frustrating. I'd been locked into meetings to ensure my crew was ready. Fearless Records already had to reach out to Sumerian for crew replacement. Our missing tour members had everyone on edge.

I drove home after my last meeting with a to-do list a mile long. Doctor Kincaid would say my distractions were unhealthy and he was probably right. I'd been missing my sessions with him purely by accident. He was an amazing counselor; I was tempted to call his office and see if there were any openings. He didn't mind doing our sessions by phone. I even recalled him saying we could do them on the computer. I preferred it in person. The inside of his office was heaven, floor-to-ceiling bookshelves filled with books. Classical literature coupled with psychological volumes; was a bookworm's paradise.

I found myself reverting back to older habits when I started messaging Doctor Christian the names of my new coworkers asking for a background check. My old paranoia rose to the surface from just a single thought. The Prince of Pride was free and he was hunting me, more specifically Lilith down. I had the sudden urge to pack up my van and drive until I felt safe. I realized with trembling hands that I needed to see someone. My paranoia is on high alert today.

"Kaitlynn Porter, is everything okay?"

His rich tenor voice soothed my frayed nerves for a brief moment. He had given me his direct number in case of emergencies. I could definitely qualify this as an emergency. I could hear my messages chiming. They were replies from the detective reminding me in a gentle tone that he was retired and that he could no longer give me the information I was requesting. My level of panic increased. If I couldn't get this information then any one of the new employees could be working for him. I made a strangled sound trying my best to regain my grip on reality.

"Miss Porter?" His voice makes me jump. "I need you to listen to the sound of my voice, okay?"

"I-I'm sorry I've been missing our sessions!" I blurt out. My brain struggles to formulate any rational thought. I don't even correct him when he says my maiden name, I quite like it when he does. I take a deep breath to try and make an attempt to listen to my counselor.

"It is perfectly alright, Kaitlynn. I understand you lead a busy life." His answer calms me down slightly. "You called my direct line, which does lead me to believe something is going on."

"I-I've been relapsing into old habits." I can feel the tears in my eyes.

"I will clear my afternoon for you Kaitlynn, please come in after you have completed your breathing exercises. We will get through this, I promise you." His soothing voice is exactly what I need to get started.

I hang up the phone bringing my knees up to my chest. Resting my forehead on my knees I take a deep breath, count to five, and release it. I do this until my heart beats normally and I'm able to think clearly. I double-check the cage I made for Lilith in my mind making sure it stays secure. I stand up, as much as I'd like to rush out to the doctor's office, I do have things I need to do around the house. My mind demands that I rush, it takes an immense amount of restraint to take things slowly.

I made it through a good chunk of my mental to-do list which consisted of household chores and preparing for the tour. I now have two bags, one that holds my clothes, and another that holds strictly books. When you have a husband who tells you to spoil yourself by filling your home office bookshelves with books, you listen. I cleaned half of the house before the panic returned. I grab my keys and head to my vehicle.