Survivor's Guilt

X (Let's Get This Fire Started)

Omaha, Nebraska, is our next stop on the second leg of the Trinity of Terror tour. The drive to the venue is filled with an uncomfortable silence. I can't look Spencer in the eyes after what happened between Chris and me. The vocalist of Motionless in White has no recollection of our time together outside of our phone call. Johnny gave me his word he wouldn't tell Spencer a word of what happened. I'd have to tell him eventually, already dreading it, and fearing the worst.

Oh, for the love of the unholy, do you ever stop?!

I flinch from my bunk, turning the page in the book I'm reading. The boys are watching horror movies in the living room. They extended an invitation to me; I decline seeing my husband watch me with a worried look on his face. I place an earbud in my ear sighing heavily. Doctor Kincaid's exercises are temporary fixes. Sadly, my panic attacks are becoming frequent with each passing day. I am not a fan and judging from the anger coursing through my veins, neither is she.

"You know I'm not comfortable with this," I mutter.

You've made your point clear on the subject. However, I would like to remind you that I can't exactly get stronger if you keep us in your bunk.

"I..." I shift uncomfortably.

Kaitlynn, you are just going to talk to Andy. It's not like we're going to have sex with him. At least not right away.

"Not helping." I feel a panic attack coming on. Lilith forces me into my mental cage my panic attack vanishing in an instant.

I have told you that I will feed off the negative emotions that you feel, but you have to let me. You can't keep me trapped in a cage all the time.

She's right, I know she is, but I'm terrified of losing myself to her. I'm scared I won't be strong enough to regain control. How did Spencer live like this? I'd only been possessed for a few months and was already on the brink of giving up. Lilith's presence flooded through me taking my negative emotions. She feeds off them, and relief settles itself within me. I bookmark my page and slip out of my bunk. I had yet to change into actual clothes having spent most of the day in an oversized t-shirt.

With a reluctant sigh, I head into the back room where my duffle awaits me. I fish out a dark pair of blue jeans alongside a Black Veil Brides t-shirt from the first leg of the tour. I shower washing off the grime from not showering for a few days. Twenty minutes later I'm out of the shower, and another ten takes me out to the living room area. Patrick watches the movie through the gaps in his fingers. I've learned he isn't the biggest fan of the gore that comes from watching the horror genre.

"She lives!" Ricky teases me. I flip him off walking over to give Spencer a kiss.

"Where are you heading?"

"I've been cooped up in the bus, I'm going to stretch my legs." I give him one more kiss savoring the sparks that dance in my blood when he kisses me back.

"When you get back, we need to have another chat." He gives me a look that leaves zero room for argument. I nod, secrets have never been our style. In the years we'd been friends, we couldn't keep one another in the dark. We were each other's guiding light. My only worry was that he wouldn't understand.

Kaitlynn, if you continue this train of thought, I am going to trap you in the cage, is that clear?

I flinch at the harshness in her tone. I head out of the Ice Nine Kills bus. The weather in Omaha in September is rather pleasant. There's still tension within the stage crew. War's mojo is still going strong. My body begins to itch for a fight. Demons have their own language and thirst for blood. It's another way I can satiate the deity that has taken residency inside me.