Bucky Barnes Imagines Vol. 2

Diary Pt. 2

A/N: The first part of this story can be found in my Bucky Barnes Imagines Vol. 1 book. If you haven't read that, I would recommend reading that part first. 

TW: This story deals with suicidal ideations. Please feel free to skip this part.

The tip of your pen was poised pensively on your bottom lip as you tried to sift through the noisy thoughts in your head. The events of last week had sent your mind into overdrive and you desperately needed to get them onto paper in order to sort through the myriad of feelings swirling inside you. As happy as you were about your upcoming date with Bucky, there was still a nagging voice in the back of your head telling you that you weren't worthy of him. That he would realize half-way through the date how screwed up you were and he'd head for the hills.

Excitement and happiness filled you when you saw Bucky's text letting you know he was coming home tomorrow and that he wanted you to be ready at three in the afternoon for your date. As quickly as those feelings came, they transformed into crippling anxiety. You tried getting every intrusive and unwelcomed thought into your diary, but it seemed that once you got one thought down on paper, another took its place.

You wrote for hours, ridding your mind of every single thought that popped into your head until only the positive ones remained. Five pages were now filled with your insecurities and fears surrounding your upcoming date. You sighed heavily as you slammed the book shut and tossed it onto your nightstand.

You curled up on your side staring at your diary. Normally, writing helped you work through your thoughts. It helped expel the darkness in your head and rid yourself of the thoughts that said you were nothing. That you weren't pretty, or funny, or smart. That you weren't good enough. That you weren't worthy of Bucky's love. You could leave all those thoughts on the blank pages of your diary...but not this time. Those thoughts still invaded your brain and rooted themselves in your core.

"Who am I kidding? This is never going to work out. I should just quit while I'm ahead." You groaned and covered your head with your pillow.

"Who are you talking to?" Wanda asked from the door of your room.

You jolted upright off your bed and twisted to look at the door.

"Holy shit, Wanda! You scared the hell out of me."

"Sorry, I just wanted to see if you'd like to go shopping to find an outfit for your date." A small smile graced her lips as she looked at you.

"Uh, no. It's okay. I-I think I'm going to cancel." You murmured.

"What? Why"

Wanda walked further into your room. Her eyes were wide and her lips turned down in a frown. She was your best friend and the only one who knew how dark your thoughts could actually get. Your friendship was an accident really. The anxiety you felt when first joining the team was so strong that Wanda was unable to keep herself from reading your thoughts. From there, your friendship grew out of her commitment to prove that every single negative thought you had about yourself was wrong. She had gone above and beyond to show you that you are more than what your mind told you were.

"I can't be the woman he deserves, Wanda. I'm too messed up." You said, tapping at the side of your head.

"Honey, Bucky read your diary. After everything he saw in there, he still told you he loves you and asked you on a date. He wants you how you are."

"I'm going to ruin it, Wanda. I know I am. I always self-sabotage myself somehow. I can't put Bucky through that." A few tears escaped your eyes and you cursed yourself for not being strong enough to hold them back.