The Captain's Only Sea (Cavanaugh #4)

Kabanata 41

Kabanata 41

Carrying

The rest of the days within that ten-day voyage celebration was vexatious. Everything was stressing me, exhausting me. Kahit wala naman silang ginagawa sa akin. Kaya pinili ko na lamang ang magkulong sa loob ng cabin ko hanggang sa binalik na kami sa Manila Harbour.

Mrs. Siguenza did not push me to join them with the scheduled appointment. She must have noticed my struggles.

I was still overthinking. I never stopped thinking too much about the possibilities that I might be pregnant.

With that, I was observing myself. My mood and attitude. Changes on my body shape. I browsed on Google all about pregnancy symptoms. If I was experiencing it already without knowing? I have to be aware.

My nose wrinkled when I realized what I was searching online. I faced palm and grunted some complaints to myself.

Sinara ko iyong laptop at pabagsak na hinilig ang likod sa backrest ng sofa.

I was searching about abortion. I instantly regretted that.

Hindi ko pa nga alam kung may namumuong munting buhay na ba sa sinapupunan ko, pero natatakot kasi ako. What if Dad would know about it? If Daumier really got me pregnant? He would tell me to abort it.

No. I can't do that.

Nakasaad sa mga lumalabas sa Google na bawal daw ma-stress ang isang buntis. Siyempre at alam ko na ang tungkol doon. It was one of the basics.

However, here I was. Stressing myself in figuring things out. Hindi naman siguro ako buntis? Hangga't hindi ko pa naranasan ang pagsusuka ay hindi ako buntis. That means my menstruation was just delayed.

"You still look pretty handsome even if you're feeling awful," komento ni Aleshien na kasalukuyang nakaupo sa silyang nasa harap ng desk office ko.

"I'm not feeling awful," I said after I took out some files from my desk's drawers.

"Bakit nakabusangot 'yang mukha mo? That's not your resting face, Kalei. You usually have that blank expression. Nasaan na iyon?"

I raised my brows at her. "Hindi ako nakabusangot."

Pero baka nakabusangot nga ako at hindi ko lang namamalayan?

Trying to ease up my mind from what was bothering me, I could feel my facial expression slowly smoothening.

"Kahit manalamin ka pa," she confidently said. "Ano ba'ng nangyari? Tungkol ba 'to sa inyo ni Captain Cavanaugh?"

Mabilis kong naibalik ang tingin sa kaniya. "Huh?"

Is it that obvious? Do people talk about it? If not, how did the idea cross her mind?

Aleshien was massaging her chin with her fingers, her eyes were scanning my reaction.

Tinago ko ang totoong nararamdaman sa pamamagitan ng blankong tingin.

"Wala kasi s'ya noong huling sama-sama sa cruise ship. Pagkatapos no'ng liquor night? Ang sabi ay umalis s'ya. Sinundo s'ya ng pinsan n'yang si Isaiah Cavanaugh ba 'yon? Iyong kapitan din pero sa eroplano. May chopper 'yon e'," there was concern etched on her face.

I did not know about that. Kung alam ko lang ay hindi na sana ako nagkulong sa cabin ko. I should have attended the banquet and other dinners to divert my attention instead of crying my eyes out alone in my stateroom.

Tapos na. Hindi ko na dapat isipin iyon.

"Gano'n ba?" was all I said.

Dumiin ang tingin ni Aleshien sa akin at itinukod pa ang mga siko sa ibabaw ng desk ko nang sa gano'n ay mapagmasdan n'ya ako nang mas malapitan.