I would've loved her

Letter 01

Dear Jungkook,

If it's not jungkook, fuck you whoever it is, learn to take instructions or stop being nosy but if it's him, hello.

I'll assume it's jungkook. Not probably I'm definitely dead if this is being read. I often wrote a letter whenever I felt like committing suicide. So for records, I wrote this on sept'23, I'm 18 this year. I may try this again in the future or may have succeeded for whatever it may concern I tried killing myself for 8 years from the first time in June of 2015. I was only 11 years old when I first thought about dying.

For records I never wanted to die, I just wanted all of it to stop, it never did so the best way out of it was to stop my heartbeats.

I went until I was 15 when I started I finally realised I was suicidal, I was too young before that and didn't write the first letter until the beginning of last year, in the Jan of 22.

There was a whole year I didn't once think about dying. It was the year 2019. The year you came to school.

We may be almost strangers now, but Jungkook once we were friends too. Not very close friends but enough to understand each other. We never talked in school but we did on the bus way back home.

Small talks, little conversations everyday.

I never did, I'm sorry that I didn't have the guts to come to you and demand your time, to hang out with me in real life but what could I do. You were so goddamn handsome, every girl liked you and I was just the funny girl.

Funny girl, that's it.

I was overweight, ugly, crazy, rude and arrogant and I still am. I hate myself more than I liked you.

I am angry at everyone. I have no words to describe exactly how I feel or what issue I have maybe a psychologist would be able to understand but I'm sure if I tell you.

You won't just understand but express it on behalf of me too.

Maybe I spoke some foreign language because everytime I told people what was wrong with me, they were not able to understand.

Maybe I was just a crazy self victimising asshole, but whatever it was, I'm tired of thinking, understanding myself.

Why I was ugly, why I was fat, Why I was always angry and Why everyone loved me but also hated me.

Most of my attempts were either unsuccessful because I was a coward scared of pain or because of you.

Thank you for keeping me alive as much as you could, please don't hate me for using you to breathe.

Love,
Ju won.

I took a huge breath. Ju won knew. She always knew what people talked behind her back.

She has tried committing suicide for so long, how did no one catch onto it.

She was smiling, making everyone laugh only to kill herself one day.

If she was using me to breathe why couldn't she keep using me. Why did she have to kill herself like that. How can I, who used to have small talks with her for 30 mins everyday 3 years ago be more reliable to her than the rest of her family and friends.

What were they doing.

How could they not save her. How could they not love her.

And she really believed she was ugly. I was in awe everytime she laughed.

She had the most beautiful and genuine smile, her laughter filled everyone's heart with warmth. She glowed, she was not just beautiful, she was gorgeous.