I would've loved her

The boy who was angry

The hall was filled with students from our school. My mother was by my side while I was walking with her, a bouquet of pink roses in one band and the bag filled with her letters in another.

Everyone looked at me as I entered. The word must have spread, the word about the one who was given the letters.

In the morning, I found out, she cut her wrist at 11 pm something and took her last breath at 3 am,Tuesday. She took off the batteries of the clock before she hung herself.

The knowledge made me more angry. She killed herself an hour after I saw her.

If only I had intervened.

People whispered when they saw the flowers in my hand. I entered the main area where everyone offered prayers. Her parents got alert waiting for me to approach them, however I did not go to them. I walked forward, my mother had stepped aside.

She looked beautiful in the portrait, but I would still prefer witnessing the beauty first hand.

I offered the bouquet and bent down on my knees to offer her prayers. I got up and could feel everyone looking at us, I didn't bother turning towards her parents.

I would probably do something if I see them. I decided to speak to her today after so long. If people wanted to hear they could.

"Hi, Ju won. It's been so long. I wish it hadn't been so long. I can only wish I talked to you every day, I can't believe you called me your comfort but I was so bad.

Thank you Ju won, for always upholding humanity, for even defending a stranger, for offering your seat to others, for being selfless, for being able to put yourself into other's shoes and do better for them.

I'm and will always be extremely proud of you. No matter what anyone says, you were always iconic, the girl who could do anything. People often criticised you but I hope you know they had full faith you could move mountains, this is why even at the smallest inconvenience they turned to you, they knew you could solve anything.

Ju won, you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, you were kind, compassionate and enchanting. I can assure you, I was dazed when you used to smile.

Anyone who called you a whore for carrying that beauty deserves to punished. You were innocent not naive, you were not vicious ever, you were fully capable of being selfish, cunning and manipulative but you chose to be nice. That was a choice you made even though that is something not even adults could make.

How people treat others is a reflection of their deepest self. Anyone who said hateful things about you was simply insecure. It was your empathy to not confront your friend Ryung about his dad working at your home, that you knew. Yet he was the prideful bastard who called you ugly everyday just to make himself and his ugly little crush feel better.

What point were your friends? You asked me to try being nice to lina just because you knew she liked me yet she was never able to see the darkeness in your eyes.

It was my fault to let you be friends with them. I should have intervened.

Your friends were so jealous they'd ask you to perform worse and you would risk everything to make them happy and she would simply treat you worse?

I don't know how people called Da hye pretty? Her soul is rotten, it's the ugliest thing to exist. Makes her the most ugliest person ever.

Just because jihye never did anything to you directly doens't make her innocent either. She was a bystander like any of us here but she claimed to be your friend yet never defended you? Spoke comforting words to you?

What use is a friend if they push you towards the cliff.

Even at the end in your letters you spoke kindly of our homeroom teacher, asking me to be nice to him, to take your place. How can you think about such acts of affection even when the world wronged you.

You were enraged in the letters yet you never cursed at how ugly the world is. You complained but reasonably? Why couldn't you have cursed and been unreasonable, why couldn't you have just been angry. Why were you so kind? You would slice someone's neck off for being a bitch to your friends, even too strangers how could you not love yourself as much.

I could have done better but I didn't.

I hope in your next life you get parents who don't threaten you by snatching the things you live most, not threaten to cut your hair off, only forgive you if they beat you enough to stab you, I hope in your next life your parents don't hurt you so much, you tooth gets chipped, you get stitches or your favourite things break.

I hope they don't spoil your things or throw things at you. I hope they see you as humans not a machine there to produce grades.

I hope they understand, if you wanted to fly away, it was your life to live not theirs to decide.

If you wanted to run, it was on them for not building a safe home. How they ruin your efforts and spoil it all for you.

I hope in another universe you are in that abroad university with the scholarship you won far away from those parents who beat you, berate you and slut shame you.

I hope this pair of parents live the rest of their slowly losing their soul, dying and dying but so slowly it hurts but doens't finish quick.

You were destined to be a legend, all of these people ruined it. I hope none of them are ever become happy. I genuinely hope.

Your wounds, invisible and visible, I hope all of them heal.

I hope in another universe you have your own money and your parents don't punish you for spending it. I hope you don't have to work part time to actually go to the doctor's when your parents claim to provide you with privilege.

I hope you never get neglected, that blood clot in your brain could have been fixed, sadly we didn't even fix your mental health.

I apologise Ju won from all of us. You deserved better, much better, you don't deserve this black and white, you deserve colours all around you.

Yet you were in a dark world, you wished sunshine for other while you were in the dark shackles of depression, you did not seek attention by lying. You were in fact screaming for help.

So what if you were an attention seeker, can people who claim to love you give attention. How is being lied to or not more important than their loved ones condition.

They would rather neglect you than by any chance be fooled about your condition.

Ju won, you were the best.

I FEEL FRUSTRATED TO THINK, I could have loved you so much yet I didn't.

Right now, all I can say is.

I would have loved her" I said and realised I was crying, so was everyone.

I walked towards her closer and grabbed the stack of white flowers. "I'll take them, I hope you only see colors, nothing monotone" with that I turned around to see everyone.

Ryung was on the floor, his father was near him, her friends were looking at us with wide eyes, everyone else was crying. Her mother was crying while her father held onto her.

I saw the homeroom teacher who was crying while looking down and trying to hold onto tears.

"These letters and diary, I'll hold onto them. They were for me and I'll not let them into someone else's hands"

I walked closer to mom, about to burst into tears.

She hugged me.

"You did extremely great Jungkook, Ju won is extremely proud of you, I can assure that. She is looking down and is grateful to you" my mom said while running hands around me.