I would've loved her

Letter 02

Dear Jungkook,

'My love, read only if you're Jeon Jungkook. If you are not please join me in after life.

I wrote this in May'22. I know the letters are not organised. I didn't want them to be organised. I threw my thoughts and emotions here hoping you'll get a gist of it.

This year has been tough, I couldn't handle the pressure and tried to manage but honestly it's pretty tough, when you have to lose weight, get prettier, take care of your hair, perform, manage a whole council and also top. My priorities were set. I wanted to excel in academics whatsoever.

Because that was exactly how I fly away. Sometimes I doubted myself, was I just a self victimising bitch who likes to create problems for attention?

I told my friends a lot of times, maybe they thought the same that I was doing all of it for attention. Did I get attention when everyone found out I was dead? I hope I did, it'll be a waste if there was no drama.

I know people will cry when I die, but only if I die.

Maybe I am a sadist I wanted people to cry. Makes a lot of sense, since I felt more free getting beaten than getting called things, than being scolded.

Whenever I was hit, I felt like atleast I stood up for myself. Maybe I was just too rebellious and everyone knows how to get rid of rebellions. It's by killing them, I made it easier for them.

I couldn't even cry freely, everyone just wants to come and ask what happened? They are just curious about what happened, they don't care about who that happened to. I just wanted to cry real loud hugging someone who wouldn't ask why or just alone where no one approaches. I hope thats a feature when you are dead.

I hope they let you cry it all out. I hated how I couldn't remember what happened to me atleast an hour later it happened. Maybe I was simply delusion. Did it happen or was I imagining it?

Lmao who cared, I'm dead. Hopefully free.

Oh and btw, I downloaded those animated movies we once talked about, wdym you never watched barbie. Throw your alpha male attitude somewhere for a while and watch them.

Also charm school was my favourite.

Love,
Ju won.

I took a huge breath when I folded the letter back. I smiled and then I realised the tears in my eyes. I once told her I didn't know who barbie was. I told her that 3 years ago.

She remembered. I cried more when the contents hit me again.

What exactly happened to her.

Who was hitting her!? To the point she felt comfort in it. She was going through self doubt, she was forgetting whatever was happening to her because of her defence mechanism.

I was so angry at her friends right now!? How could they not take her seriously. She wasn't lying. She really did kill herself, what would have hurt them only if they just listened to her whether she was lying or not.

Because she wasn't lying, at the end she did take her life. It wasn't for attention, I wonder if they still feel she was an attention seeker.

So many friends and no body hugged her? Why didn't I have the courage to throw my introvert bullshit and approach her. I feel like I truly was her only friend and I took that way from her just because I was awkward and shy.

I would have let her hug me and cry all she wanted without asking why. I would watch barbie with her, I would tell her how perfect she was and honestly the people telling her she had was bullshit. She wasn't the 9 inches of waist and the slimmest person ever but she was perfect.

She was so perfect it scared me, it scared me that I didn't deserve to her friend. Only if I did better.

All I could do right now was cry. I hated how she doubted her memories, herself and even the fact that she was a victim.

She was gaslighted so much. If only I wasn't so stupid. If only I could do better.

My hands trembled when I picked the next letter. I had to and I will.

There is no way, I'll let people misunderstand or misinterpret her anymore.

I will make sure, everyone knows what they did to her.