I would've loved her

Letter 07

Dear Jungkook,

Echoes of my love for you, I love you, I'm not sure if it was my desperation to imagine hope or sunlight or it was all real but I wish we met as adults who were free from other bullshits.

I tried, I tried studying, I tried to do my best at everything but nothing got better. A lot more people started hating me instead.

I really did not want to be a sore loser and complain about this world when I'm so privileged. My parents weren't giving me money, so I sold assignments to earn a little money to do this without their knowledge.

I went to the doctor's, he says there might be a blood clot in my head which causes headaches. However that really angered me.

I wasn't upset, I was angry.

Why did my parents never believe me. All I wished for was to study so how can I get so many hardships in my life.

I am tired of the financial, mental, emotional and physical abuse by my parents. I'm tired of trying and trying and always receiving criticism. I'm trying of being the best for everyone only to get treated the worst way in return.

I'm enraged and angry and my heart cries for the little girl in me who always wished to fly away.

I can't anymore. My parents found out, I received an abroad scholarship, they found out about my plans to run away. Guess what? They ruined everything, because I'm a minor. I have nothing to my own name. My application was withdrawn and it's already been passed to the next person waitlisted.

This happened last Sunday. This is precisely why I hated weekdays, when everyone is home, the chances of suffering is just even more.

This is the dead end. This is exactly where everything ends.

I wanted to fly so high, no one would be barely able to see me without falling on their back but I'll be 6ft under the ground now.

This makes me so angry, for all the people in my life. Please tell them how much I hate them, I much I loath them. Please make sure all of them cry and cry and suffer.

Please make sure everyone knows the weight of their word, I hope it stays with them forever. I hope all of them drown in their guilt.

I was neglected, treated harshly, abused, Gaslighted and I hope they don't get away with it. I'm writing this letter trusting the only two person who were ever nice to me. You and your mom.

I hope our homeroom teacher doesn't cry much, I hope everyone respects him. I hope flowers still bloom, the sun still shines, the wind still blows but for I hope it's all darkness for people who pushed me into this.

I hope this doens't happen to anyone, It took me while but I knew, it was depression.

I begged for memories that simply faded away. I don't remember my childhood, I know it wasn't happy but what's wasn't happy!? I didn't have memories to rewind when I had a bad day, the only ones were with you on the bus but it was like my brain was on a mission to kill me. It was also eating away the memories that kept me alive.

Usually only bad memories faded but then good ones did too. I couldn't feel the happiness I once barely felt anymore.

Every moment of the day was night for me. It was always dark, pitch black night. I didn't feel motivated or ambitioned like I used to.

My soul died much before I realised, I was like a zombie, home to school and school to home. I started imaging my own funeral, would it be nice? Will everyone resent what they did after I died? Or will it be just me ending my sufferings.

The sky is blue? Isn't it black? Like the deep black ocean once you drown you don't even know which side the surface would be.

Was I alone in the world, or nobody could hear me. How can they not listen to me when I was begging and screaming, I never felt home.

When I felt it was fleeting, At the end of the day who am I to blame when I was behind most of my own suffering.

I was born this way, crooked and to die. It's weird how all of are born to die yet death is sad. I hope I don't get punished for taking my life by the god.

But if a god exists and he still subjected me to this, I don't think he has the right to punish me either.

Even when I'm about to die, I'm not sad or convicted about my plan. I'm angry. I fell the rage for myself. I deserved better, I know that.

I really really really wanted to live. I spent a whole day pondering and no matter what, living wasn't a better choice. It was very hard, I swear I'm not lazy it was just very hard.

Those hits really hurt, the words even more. I should have endured but I guess I was weak, I couldn't hold onto life anymore.

I saw you at the subway, I hoped to go and talk to you maybe I would have changed my mind. But I didn't want to, I may feel nice for half an hour but then it would be back to the same hell hole.

Ugh. What a shame. I would have made a fine woman.

Love,
Ju won.

With that I closed the last letter and took a deep breath. Her words pulled me down.

IF ONLY I WOULD HAVE APPROACHED HER THAT DAY ON THE SUBWAY.

SHE WAS ALONE, SHE WAS ACTING WEIRD.

OF ALL DAYS, JUST ONCE.

I could have saved her. She died in vain.

I would've loved her.
So much.

That night, I couldn't eat food. I read and re read everything. I read her diaries, she was slowlu and slowly slipping into depression. It was like she was fighting with herself. Convincing herself to live just another day.

Giving herself hopes of the future but someone would come and spoil all of it. At once.

She was beautiful in and out, she just wanted to be happy and she didn't get something as small as that?

What did she ever do to deserve all of this.

While the meanest people live, her body was getting colder and colder.

I spent the night reading the letters and her diary. Again and again so that I don't forget the rage I should feel, So I do justice to her.

The next morning, I didn't go to school, I went to the flourist.