Racing for her heart

18

(This has not been edited)

Charles' point of view

I pause, not knowing what to say. Sebastian looks at me, giving me the, 'Dad look.'

"Come to HQ soon, I can't say anything, because I wouldn't want to betray anyone's trust, but if you show up, then I guess I won't be doing anything wrong."

He furrows his eyebrows, then shoots me a confused look, "Charles, are you telling me she's a racer again, why is she going to HQ? Better question, is she alive? I mean, how can you even know 100% that this account is actually her?"

I give him a small smile, "Just trust me," I pause, as he nods, "I'll give you a call the day before."

"Okay, I will tell Hanna."

And with that, we said our goodbyes, and I made my way to HQ.

———————————————

Lana's point of view

"So, How are scans looking, is everything going alright?" Tilly asks me through the phone.

I sigh in frustration, "I wish I knew, the hospital won't tell me shit. It's pissing me off."

Tilly's laugh makes me smile, "Threaten them in Italian, maybe they'll think you're in some Mafia!!"

I chuckle at her comment, "Not a bad idea, I'll do that next time they try to push me out of the room."

Tilly starts to laugh again, but then she stops abruptly, "Oh, i'm so so sorry, but Jamie's calling, I have to go!"

I sigh mentally, knowing that things like this happen, "It's fine, go do your thing, i'm going to try and get some work done."

We say our goodbyes, then hang up.

————————————

I finish up my last work phone call for the day, the only words that can come to my mind are, 'Thank God.'

As I look over at Elliott, I can't help but smile, he's fast asleep. It feels bad smiling at a time like this, but I know the reason why I'm smiling.

I know that me and him are in this together, like we always have been, like we always will be.

I pull out my hospital bag, searching through it thoroughly. I then pause, noticing a thing from the past, an old journal, the one with most of my songs.

I sigh, knowing that Matilda put this in here for a reason. I slowly open it, turning the pages of the past. But I am quick to shut it, the memories overwhelming me.

So many songs, all from chapters of my life, all in one book. I run my fingers against the pages, making sure I don't get paper cuts. My finger stops on one page, and I open it.  The song title stood out, the time I wrote this, My life was falling apart. The Universe was against me.

(real song is by Taylor Swift from the Folklore album!! The rights go to her!!)

This Is Me Trying

I've been having a hard time adjusting
I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting
I didn't know if you'd care if I came back
I have a lot of regrets about that

Pulled the car off the road to the lookout
Could've followed my fears all the way down
And maybe I don't quite know what to say
But I'm here in your doorway

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

They told me all of my cages were mental
So I got wasted like all my potential
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad
I have a lot of regrets about that

I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere
Fell behind on my classmates, and I ended up here
Pouring out my heart to a stranger
But I didn't pour the whiskey

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
At least I'm trying

And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound
It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you
You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town
And I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

(And maybe I don't quite know what to say)
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
At least I'm trying

I wrote this song for them, for the Bianchi Family. They blamed me for Lacy and Jules' death. Back then,  I already blamed myself. I was falling apart before their crashes, So when the crash happened, I was done with life. The blame that they put on me was just put more guilt and stress. That was when I was child, but now i'm older.

Older me, is the part of me wants to believe it's not my fault, the part that wants to believe that I didn't do anything wrong.

But there's always a little voice, just in the back of my mind, reminding me of the haunting memories that lie in the past.

The family told me my whole life that I need to try, I need to try harder to be like Lacy, I needed to try harder to be a world champion, I needed to try harder at being a good child for Jules.

But I was kid.

It was and still is my first time at life.
And I am trying my best.
So I wrote this song, just so they knew.
That my life was a mess, but
for them,
I was trying.

I wrote this after they didn't want to see me, it was the last time I saw them. It was right before Jules' funeral. They told me to try and get my messy life together.

But I have been trying to do that.

I wrote so they knew me going back to them, after all of the shit that happened, After all of the pain I was in, Not just from losing people who I considered my parents, and the mental and emotional abuse they put me through, I still wanted them to know I was Trying. I wanted them to know that, that was me trying. And, I'm still trying to figure my messy life out.

Even though they don't want to see me, Even though they want nothing to do with me, I was trying for them. I don't really care anymore on what they think of me or about me. I don't care what they know about me, I cared for too long in the past. And it made my life fucking miserable. If there's anything they should know, Anything I wanted them to know, anything at all.

They would find out, and there really isn't anything they should know. In the past, I wanted them to know anything and everything about me.

We'll If there is anything they should know, All I want them to know is that,
This is me trying.