Bound by Christmas

Chapter Twenty-One: Answers

Felix, Sara and I huffed and puffed through our power walk across the campus. It had finally stopped raining after having three days of downpours, so we were taking advantage of the weather.

"Tell me again," Felix grunted. "Why are we exercising on our lunch break?"

Sara rolled her eyes at him. "Because it's my New Year's resolution and I haven't been keeping up with it. Stop whining so much."

Felix abruptly stopped and glared at Sara. "I'm not whining. I just don't understand why Jenna and I have to join you."

"The same reason why you have decided to join our lunches for the past two months," Sara shrugged.

"Fair point," Felix mumbled and started to walk again, coming up next to me.

We continued to walk in silence for a few more minutes but when I saw a student walk by holding a bouquet of flowers, I couldn't help but to say something. "Do you guys have any plans for tonight?"

"For Valentine's Day?" Felix asked with a chuckle. "Yeah right!"

I turned to face Sara. "What about you?"

She smiled and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. "Ari is coming over for a quiet dinner."

"Must be nice," Felix huffed.

"Oh, it's very nice," Sara taunted as she winked at him.

"Don't worry, Felix. I don't have any plans either," I reluctantly admitted.

"By choice," he scoffed. "I'm pretty sure Sebastián is anxiously waiting for the smallest signal from you to sweep you off your feet. How long are you planning on making him wait anyway?"

"I don't know. I didn't give him a timeline," I confessed. I hadn't discussed the conversation I had with Sebastián before our flight back from Mexico with anyone, not even Sara or Felix. I'd just told them that I had asked Sebastián for some space while I figured things out. I was relieved that they hadn't wanted to probe into our privacy, but I could tell Felix was tempted. He didn't understand why I had to do this.

Six Weeks Ago

Sebastian and I sat in the first class airport lounge, waiting to board the plane back to LA. We spent New Year's Day relaxing and doing some sightseeing. I really enjoyed the trip and would have loved to stay longer but —when Sebastián had suggested extending our stay— I had to decline. I needed to return to work and start preparing for the Winter session.

As I chewed on my lip, I tried to think of a good way to bring up my concerns regarding our relationship. I didn't want to hurt Sebastian, but I knew that it was time I did some healing away from him.

"Sebastián," I said, clearing my throat. "We need to talk."

Sebastián turned his head toward me, the worry in his eyes made my heart bleed. He knew me too well to not know what I was thinking, and he was preparing for the pain that I would inevitably cause him.

"I know, Jenna," he acknowledged, his voice cracking. "You've been distant and off since I gave you that kiss."

I nodded and stared down at my hands, breaking our eye contact. "I'm sorry. It's just that I realized I can't move forward with you unless I work on myself first."

"What does that mean, Jenna?"

"I...well, when I watched you on stage with Barbara, I was anticipating the worst. I expected you to break my heart again. I didn't like the lack of confidence I had in our relationship. But, more importantly, I didn't like the lack of confidence I had in myself. Ever since I learned about the necklace that you bought for Barbara, I've been letting my insecurities dictate my actions. I'd convinced myself I couldn't trust you again, but I would still seek you out. My behavior has been inconsistent with my words. The truth is that throughout my childhood I could never rely on others...and now I'm letting my past trauma affect my relationship with you."

"Jenna, that's understandable. We all have our own inner wounds and —sometimes— we react to things because of those wounds. But, please don't push me away. I can work with you on your healing journey. We can build a stronger relationship together."

I shook my head, releasing a deep breath. "I'm not trying to push you away. I do want you in my life but —right now— I need to learn to be strong on my own. I'm not asking you to wait for me, Sebastián. I'll understand if you want to move on. I'm going to start therapy, and I don't know how long it'll take for me to be ready for a relationship. But, when I am ready, I would like to try it with you. And, if you're willing and available, we can actually start to date."

"I will be," he insisted, reaching for my hand and squeezing it. "I will be willing and available. I don't care how long it takes, Jenna. If you need to do this, then I'll support you."

"Thank you, Sebastián."

"Jenna!" Felix called out, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Sorry," I smiled sheepishly. "What did you say?"

"Argh," he groaned. "I said that if you aren't planning on spending tonight with Sebastián, we can hang out. Maybe watch a cheesy rom-com or something."

"I'll think about it," I said as we finished our walk and headed back to my office.

Four hours later, I was walking up to my apartment when I noticed a package in front of my door. It was a large manila envelope and a heart-shaped box of chocolates on top of it. Grabbing the chocolates and envelope, I entered my apartment and made my way to the sofa. Slowly, I opened the envelope and pulled out the papers inside. Noticing that the first page was a letter, I started to read it.

Dearest Jenna,

Happy Valentine's Day!

I was so tempted to visit you in person, but I promised to give you some space and I didn't want to break my promise. I was going to buy you some flowers, but I remembered you saying you didn't like receiving flowers because they always died. So, I figured I couldn't go wrong with chocolates. I hope you enjoy them.

I have attached a packet to this letter. It's very similar to a D/s contract, but it's meant for me. I'd like you to answer the questions describing what you want in a Dominant. When you're ready to move forward with our relationship, I can use your answers as a guide to better myself. I'd like you to be as truthful as possible. I promise you won't hurt my feelings if you offer me your suggestions. Please take your time with your answers and when you're done, I can have Felix pick it up.

Have a great holiday!

Love Always,
Sebastian

P.S. You've been on my mind all day. I hope your therapy is going well and you find your peace and happiness.

I smiled as I finished reading Sebastián's letter. Since we returned from our trip to Mexico, he didn't try to call or visit me. But, every night he would send me a text with the same message.

You've been on my mind all day. I hope your therapy is going well and you find your peace and happiness.

Still smiling, I grabbed a pen from my purse and started to answer the questions about what I looked for in a partner. Since there were over a hundred questions, I spent most of the evening filling in my answers.