Afraid to love

Chapter 17

I'm sitting cross legged on the sofa, my interior design assignment scattered all around me. It's a case study involving a client, Emily, hiring an interior designer. I have to read through the initial client consultation and take notes on the space requirements, material selection and budget management. But my brain isn't working. I'm staring at the white paper, rereading the same sentence over and over again. I'm frustrated because I haven't left the house in days, except on the odd occasion that I go to uni together with Nina, and even that only when it's in the morning. I'm not used to sitting inside, so my mind is going crazy.

Irritated, I throw the case study onto the pile of unread papers and stand up, grasping my head. This is not how I pictured my life. I want to go out, dance, walk, live. I want to be with friends, I want to be laughing. But I'm too afraid to do any of it. I spend my days doing assignments, reading books, speaking to my parents and Lara on the phone, or watching movies or self-defence videos with Nina. I need more.

Phil walks out of the shower, he came home an hour ago, so it's just me and him in the apartment. He's shirtless with a towel thrown over his shoulders. He sees me standing in the living room, staring out the window and pauses, watching me questioningly,

"You good?" he asks,

"Yeah, have to get this assignment done" I nod towards the scattered papers,

"Seems like a lot" he walks over to the pile of papers and picks one up, he's looking at Emily's house plan with a frown, "so what do you have to do?" he asks after a while of staring. I smile, appreciating the obvious fact that he's trying to be conversational, he must see that I'm bored out of my mind being alone at home most of the day,

"She wants to add another room and a bathroom, she has a certain budget and style in mind. I have to plan it out"

"That actually sounds interesting" he places the plan back into the pile, "you sure you're good?" he asks,

"I am, why? Do I look 'not good'?"

"You look frustrated"

"Can't lie, all this hiding from the stalker thing is killing me"

"I know... but we'll get him eventually"

"Sort of losing hope on that, the police aren't getting very far"

Phil sits down and we chat for a while. He even asks if I want to watch a movie. I decline, suspecting he's only doing it to be nice. Eventually, he leaves and I'm all alone again.

Forcing my mind back on the assignment, I re-read Emily's client descriptor for the hundredth time. Nothing is sinking in. I close my eyes, exasperated that I can't seem to think straight.

A noise startles me, and I open my eyes. At some point I must have fallen asleep on the sofa, with the assignment still in my lap. Water is running in the shower, someone is home. They would have seen me sleeping. I hope it was Nina and not one of the guys, maybe I am vain but I'd rather them not see me in such an unflattering position. I lower my eyes to the assignment sitting on my lap. Back to Emily. I start on reading the client description again.

Whoever is in the bathroom has finished their shower, by this point I know it's not Nina because she likes her showers extra-long. Soon Daniel walks out wearing a black singlet and trackies. I don't allow my eyes to stay on his is enormous biceps for longer than a second,

"Woke up?" he asks with a subtle grin,

"How long have you been home?" I ask,

"Just came, saw you sleeping, didn't want to wake you up. But guess I did anyway with the shower"