Dazai Angst Oneshots

Oh Osamu.

Hi!1! This is not really a Dazai angst. It's definitely Chuuya and Soukoku angst tho so yeah... hope you forgive me!! I'm quite proud of this one tho.

Read A/N for more cuz there's imprtant stuff abt the chapter there!!!

!TW: suicide mentions, mentions of blood, violence etc!

Enjoy!

My soul shattered; my heart gone. Your hand, digged into the flesh on my chest grasping the heart harshly, feeling it beat. Then you pulled it out, ripping it away from the veins and making my chest ache with the awful feeling of emptiness.

Oh Osamu.

You squeezed it violently right in front of my eyes, let me see the blood rushing out of the organ like floods of red. And I let you do all of that. I let you kick me down and shoot me. I let you take everything that mattered to me repeatedly. I let you break me apart and glue me back together just to shatter me once again.

Oh Osamu.

And here I was in the middle of the night, left alone on the semi-warm sheets, in the cold bedroom. Wrapped into your coat, staring off into the darkness, trying to understand your reasoning, repeating your words all over and over again in my head until they don't make any sense anymore, as if it's going to make me feel numb to your voice, even though I'm aware I'll never be able to forget.

Oh Osamu.

And I waited for you, I waited for you for a year, two years, three years... I waited for you to be ready, I waited for you to let me know if you're still alive out there somewhere in this cruel world. I waited until I had no hope left, yet I'd still find myself waiting for your return anyway. Feeling the breath get stuck in my throat every time there was a knock on the door, pathetically hoping I'd open the door to the familiar brown curls and that irritating smile. And that laugh, and that voice, and those chocolate brown eyes, and the bitten, red lips.

Oh Osamu.

Yet on the other side was never the person I ached for so unbelievably much. And I tried looking for you, I tried sending my subordinates to seek even the slightest indications of your existence, yet they'd come back with nothing at all. I've spent countless hours trying to find any sort of clues, but you had left me with deaf silence.

Oh Osamu.

And my soul needed you so terribly much, to the point I couldn't breathe. To the point I would desperately seek for you in the faces of others, hoping to find yours among the many strangers.

Oh Osamu.

And you left me so cruelly. And I hate you with every bit of my existence, yet I can't bring myself to hate you. I despise you, I despise your laugh, I despise your shitty smile, I despise your empty brown eyes, I despise your beautiful scars, I despise your curly brown locks that frame your stupid face so nicely, I despise your suicide banter, I despise your genius mind, I despise your issues, I despise every single moment spent with you.

Yet I miss all of that so greatly.

Oh Osamu.

And then, I saw you. I saw you on the busy Yokohama streets, I finally found your face among the unfamiliar ones, yet you seemed... different. Your face was not the one I've been looking for. It wasn't familiar anymore. It was just like all the stranger ones. There were other people with you, smiling and laughing and joking around. And you seemed so happy and healthy, so much healthier. You seemed more genuine, more bubbly, more childish.

Oh Dazai.

And my soul shattered once again. And over and over again. Because I have realized that I had never meant that much to you after all. You were completely fine without me. You seemed even better without me. And I was supposed to be happy, I tried to be glad, yet the burning, aching sensation in my chest was unbearable.

Oh Dazai.

And I hate you. I don't hate you because you left. I never hated you because you left. I despised you because you left me behind. You left me behind with nothing but a burning car in the empty parking lot. I hate you because you didn't even write a letter. I hate you because you didn't give me any signs of being alive for so many years. I hate you for making me believe you were dead.

And I hate you for not taking me with me.

Oh Dazai.

I hate you for ruining what we had. I hate you for ruining double black. But I hate you more for ruining Chuuya and Dazai. For ruining us.

Because, you know,

We could've been us.

Oh Osamu.

word count:765

A/n:

yippeeee

Hope you enjoyed this!!! I very much enjoyed writing this lmao.

ANYWAYS

You might be wondering why it is written the way it is AND there is an explanation for that!!

To put it simply, I was sitting in literature class a few days ago and we were talking about the "Legend about Saint Alexis" that is about a man from Rome that decided to live very poorly etc you can go educate yourself on that

The thing is that there's a polish poem that is actually about how his wife must've felt after he left her on the eve of their wedding. It's written by Kazmira Iłłakowiczówna and it's called "Opowieść małżonki świętego Aleksego" which translates to something along the lines of "Saint Alexis' wife's story". I doubt you'll find an english translation but it's a very beatiful poem and the idea popped into my head instantly lmao

Shout out to my polish readers!!

Hope all of you have a good morning/day/night! I'm proud of every single one of you <33