Dazai Angst Oneshots

Actually dead?

This is very shitty btw, I wrote this trying to cope with a recent event in my life and yeah. It's pretty much me projecting onto Dazai. Sorry it's bad-

!TW: mentions of death, heavy drinking!

Dazai shut the door firmly, effectively muffling the sound of the heavy rain outside, before leaning against it. Cold water droplets were dripping from his hair and slowly making their way down his face. There was also a puddle of water forming on the floor now, since he's soaking wet from the rain. A long sigh escaped his mouth and leaned his head back, looking at the ceiling.

He really is dead.

He wasn't crying. He felt numb. He didn't really... know how to feel.

Sure, he had lost people before, but this time it was different. It felt... surreal. All of it felt so surreal. Almost like a nightmare.

Dazai expected for Odsasaku to die sooner or later and has been prepared for a really long time, but this was just... so sudden. He got so used to Oda's presence in his life that he didn't feel like he actually lost him. It felt so strange to think about it. The man died in his arms, yet for some reason he still... couldn't embrace that fact. His best friend just died and he wasn't even crying? How selfish.

He wanted to cry, scream, hit something, someone, or even kill someone. And yet he couldn't feel a single emotion at the same time. He cried while Oda was dying, so why couldn't he now? Why was he so unable to have human emotions? Why?

He looked down at his hands, inspecting them.

They felt so... alien.

They looked strange, and the fact that they were his hands made him feel sick. Th hands of the Demon Prodigy. The hands that ended so many lives, ruined so many families, brought pain to countless people. And they were his hands.

He dropped his hands back down, his muscles giving out, and slid down against the door, bringing his knees to his chest. Why were human emotions so difficult? Why was he feeling them and yet, not feeling them at the same time? None of this made the slightest sense, really.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

This thought was the only one left in his brain. No it wasn't. The thoughts had no end, yet at the same time his mind was dead silent. But then again, he just wanted to silent it. Oh wait. It already was silent. But it also wasn't. How did this make sense? Oh right, it didn't.

Dazai supported himself with his hand and stood up, messily making his way to the kitchen. It was dark in his apartment, but he couldn't be bothered to even turn the lights on and didn't really care anyway in the first place.

He picked up the closest bottle of alcohol and opened it, taking a few sips. He had to escape this. He had to escape his mind, even if it was going to last only a few hours. The brunet sat on one of the chairs and continued to drink. A bottle turned into two, two into three, three into four. He lost count, but continued to gulp down the alcohol until he was unable to think straight and then passed out.

At first, when he only started the first bottle, he was thinking about how horrible he was. Such a terrible being. He wronged everyone. He was such a toxic bastard, yet somehow he enjoyed hurting people. Why? Why was it entertaining? Or maybe it wasn't? Maybe it was all just an illusion of entertaintment?

He didn't know anymore. But it's alright, he didn't have to right now. He wouldn't remember any of these thoughts by the time he'd wake up in the morning anyways.

word count: 608

A/N:

Pretty much a vent lmao-

I wrote this by just turning a bunch of feelings that I felt when one of my family members has passed away into words. I wasn't really planning on posting anything, but yeah.

I'm not sure if I'll post this on ao3 though, but I'll see.

Again, please don't expect me to post more often after this, I really wasn't planning to do this

I hope you'll have a great day/afternoon/night! Remember to make sure that you're drinking and eating enough!

I'm proud of you and you're more than enough <3