Raat Akeli Hai | 𝒂𝒏𝒖𝒓𝒂𝒋

XXXI. trauma and ring

anupamaa :

Two weeks after the proposal

And he left.
Not physically, but he had chosen to leave my life while staying in the hospital itself.

I sat back after my dance class, evening was dawning over New York.
The sky was clear tonight, starry beautiful sky.
I drew in a deep breath.

Two weeks were over, and we hadn't met.
He had refused to meet anyone at all.
And nobody wished to go against him.
Even if it was for his own good.
I could have, but what would I tell him?
How would I explain why I refused his proposal?
And would he ever see beyond his own guilt, regret, redemption and anguish - to see what went through me?
Years of all the "you're not good enough" couldn't be wiped off so easily!
I knew he had tried, he had tried really hard to prove his love - but how could I let go off my own trauma?
All that unhealed pain that I was still carrying with me - the "baggage".

I looked at my hand.
The lines of love were definitely blurred.
A cursed love life.

I drew in a deep breath.

"You'll leave now ma'am?", I heard.
I stood up and smiled.
"In a while.", I said.
I picked my bag and walked out of the door.

No one had been staring at me secretly through the window.
I started walking towards the cab station.
No men to casually pass an offensive "devi" comment.
No one I could snap at whole heartedly, knowing he would still continue try acting like the Boss without creating an emotional drama.
No one to tell how my day went, and how I was much better than him.
No one to flex my earnings or act savage with.

I gulped feeling numb.

If I didn't want him, why did it hurt so much?
Why was I missing that annoying ever so arrogant tormenter?
He just left, after claiming undying love, why could he not wait?
Wait or at least tell me he was waiting for me to change my mind, or try and coax me into doing it with some romantic gestures, write some more poetry, make some promises, or if not anything come down to me and threaten me about leaving so that I was forced to say yes.

Why would this man just leave, leaving me alone?

I paused and looked up at the sky.
A bright full moon.

"Raat Akeli Hai..
Pura sheher bhara sa hai
Lekin aap yahan nehi hai
Sab hai, chaand, taare, sangeet, tarane
Sab jisse mujhe kabhi pyaar tha
Lekin aap yahan nehi hai
Raat akeli thi nehi ab tak..
Lekin aaj raat akeli hai..",

I whispered.
Completely out of tune, yet something I knew he would appreciate with,

"Gulzar toh nehi ho.. par itni bhi buri nehi ho."
I smiled to myself, assuming he said that and finally walked towards a cab that was standing.

He would probably leave for India a week later, without even meeting me, and I did not care.
He could do whatever he liked.

•

vanraj :

Present day.

I sat before my old aluminium chest, the chest of memories I would call it fondly.

Coming back into the lonely house had driven me to dig into a few memories.
Good memories.