Deadly

16.

Celestia

God i can feel it

i can feel myself slipping back

I hate it

I hate knowing i'm not going to be able to smile properly for the next few weeks, maybe months

I hate knowing i'll have to distance myself from Saint and Chris

I hate knowing my dad and Alonso will do nothing but worry about me

I hate knowing i've worked so hard to make a friend, to access my feelings for Saint, to smile at people like others can do so easily and now it will all go down the drain

When i get like this I become deadly, I kill without caring who it is, i drown myself in any job i can get just to suppress the need to feel someone's life slip in my hands, by my hands

I hate how the antidepressants make me feel, like im not in my own body, like i have no feelings at all

I've been hospitalised before

not because i wanted to commit suicide but because I fed on the feeling of taking other peoples lives that i wanted to know how euphoric it would feel to take mine

Papà doesn't understand that though, he thought i gave up on life, i didn't i'm simply a sociopath.

"FUCK!" i throw a glass against my bedroom wall and watch as it brakes into a million pieces

my door opens "bambina are you okay"

i turn to papà not seeing my father but someone who interrupted me

"get the fuck out" i seethe

"Celestia are you-"

i grab the closest knife and raise it

he quickly runs to me and throws it far away, grabbing my hands as i thrash around

"ALONSO!" papà calls

"you are so fucking dead" i whisper and laugh sinfully

Alonso rushes into the room

"Alonso i don't know why he's doing this" i sniffle as fake tears run down my cheek

he looks between me and papà

"yes she does it's happened again"

"no nothings happened i just dropped a glass it was an accident papà im sorry" i cry

"don't listen to her" Papà grits

"your hurting me papà" i say child-like

he looks down into my blue teary eyes "i didn't do anything papà"

"I..I don't know" papà stutters and unintentionally loosens his grip on me

i smirk and chuckle darkly, standing up and walking downstairs

Alonso and papà follow behind me as i sit on a barstool

I turn to papà as real tears roll down my face

"i'm sorry" i cry

he comes over and hugs me

"i love you" i whisper into his shirt

"i love you more bambina, it's okay"

i sigh "im going to stay in the penthouse until it's over"

"i don't think that's a good idea" Alonso says teary eyed

"im doing it either way and im going to tell my friends im going away, it's just safest" i mumble looking down

"do you want us to check up on you?" papà asks