Deadly

33.

Celestia

The sound of continuous beeping wakes me up

My head is pounding and there's a deep ache throughout my whole body

I blink my eyes open though my sight doesn't come through straight away so everything is fuzzy

I feel a familiar hand on my hair as my senses awaken

"Bambina"

Papà.

I don't think I have ever been more happy to hear that voice.

"Papà?" I sniffle

"Oh baby," he brings me into a tight hug as I cling onto him for dear life, the tears that fall from my eyes wetting the shirt material on his shoulder

"It's okay" he whispers, stroking the back of my head

My, now red, eyes open again and I see Alonso with tears in his eyes. I give him a sad smile and open one of my arms, he quickly rushes forward and hugs me with my father

I wish I could stay here forever but the sound of the door swinging open makes us all pull away

I turn to look who stands there and it's of course Saint with tired yet shocked eyes while he holds a coffee cup

He quickly sets it on the side and rushes over to hug me, tightly

"Oh my god" he whispers into my neck keeping a hand on the back of my head

"We're going to find the doctor bambina" papà tells me before he and Alonso walk out of the room

Saint pulls back and wipes my tears with his thumbs "I missed you so much"

"I missed you too" my voice cracks

"Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

"I want to go home"

"We can go home soon baby, as soon as the doctor gives you the all-clear"

I nod, looking away

It's hard to look at him knowing what's happened, knowing what Daichi took from me; from us

"Mi Amor, what happened?"

"I- I can't..." I sigh "I can't talk about it right now"

"That's okay, I'll be here whenever you're ready" he smiles

The doctor comes in with papà and Alonso behind him

He checks me over and tells us that I'm healing well. I'll be able to leave soon enough but I have to spend another night here

As it turns out, I was found two days ago and given surgery on my leg. It was only today when I finally woke up

I'm not allowed to walk on the leg for a couple of weeks so I'll have to leave the hospital in a wheelchair then I'll get crutches when we're home

That fucking sucks.

It wasn't long before the guys had to leave so that I could sleep, I'm exhausted but the nervousness of explaining what happened keeps me awake

How am I supposed to explain to Saint that we can't have kids?

I know that there are other ways like adoption and surrogacy, I mean- fuck I was found in a goddamn trash can but that doesn't change the fact that it hurts

We've been stopped a few times by random people telling us that our kids would be beautiful, I'm not going to lie, I thought that was a bit odd. Personally, I would never stop someone to tell them that. I mean what if they weren't a couple or they had issues with conceiving- just think about how shitty that would make the couple feel

Even though I didn't love being told that we 'would have beautiful children' I know Saint loved it. He would be a bit awkward because we haven't really spoken about having kids but I didn't fail to see that happy glint in his eye

I've not done any research on this, so I don't know if I'll still produce eggs or not, I've never been the sciencey type. I'll have to be checked over by a doctor anyway to make sure Daichi didn't fuck any more of my organs up, I guess I'll find out then what options we have

I didn't expect to want kids or a family any day, I mean I've never actually liked children but then I met Saint and the idea of having a complete life with him always included two or three kids in my mind

Maybe this is for the better, maybe Saint will leave me for a woman he can have a family with naturally and the rest of my life will be how I had always expected it; I'll work for money to buy myself whatever I can possibly dream of until someone finally kills me or maybe I'll do it. That's what I always wanted anyway, to die by my own hands

I run my hands through my hair, the wires in my arms pinching at my skin

I finally lay still, staring at the ceiling letting my mind wander

I hate hospitals, the cold eerie feeling. I know that their main focus is saving lives and not making patients feel 'cosy' but I can still complain to myself about it

I use the remote on the side of the bed to help me sit up before I turn the TV on and flick through the different channels before landing on a random movie that plays in Japanese

Duh, Celestia, we are in Japan you fucking idiot

Whatever

I watch it, well not really watch but I look at the screen

My finger taps on the sheet that lays over my thigh before I give up trying to get away from my own thoughts and lift up the hospital gown to see the scar left from the hysterectomy

I have a lot of scars, I don't love or hate them except for this one. I hate this scar

This one could lose me everything. I know I sound stupid, Saint loves me and me not being able to carry children shouldn't make him leave me but it will never be the same

I don't know how I'll look at him without feeling shitty, then ill feel stupid for feeling shitty over something I didn't do and have no way of fixing

This is too much to think about.

I finally close my eyes and let sleep overtake me