Everything Has Changed

Unexpectedly Expecting

August 21st 2024
London, England

Shaking hands make the worst friends in a time of need and crisis, but they were all that she had. With a deep breath in, Taylor turned over the two pregnancy tests that were resting in her hands and laid them on the ivory bathroom countertop.

Shit

They both spelled out the same thing. Something deep down that she knew all ready, all too well.

Pregnant....

Emotions were high, and mixed. Taylor didn't quite know what it was she was supposed to feel. Or think. When you take a pregnancy test, no matter which shitty or expensive ones you get, they all do the same thing. Faint line or bold one, it's still a positive result. And Taylor swore you could see the line on hers from space. It was screaming at her in the face; it was overwhelming.

She didn't know whether to break down, cry, scream or be happy. She crouched precariously on top of the bathtub, staring down at the two tests she had picked up from the counter once again. 

"FUCK" Taylor screamed, startling a few pigeons that had been perched on her windowsill observing. She slide down the side of the bathtub, coming to rest on the cool tiled floor with her legs curled up into her chest. Not too tight, she thought: she didn't want to squish the baby.

The baby....

There was a baby inside of her. Something that was half of her and half of Travis...

Travis...

He should have been there. This hadn't been the moment that Taylor had planned, or even wanted. But maybe that was for the best. Being unexpectedly expecting is the worst feeling in the world, even when it is with the someone you know you are going to spend the rest of your life with. No amount of love can make you feel any more prepared, or any less scared. The tears that began to pour were aggressive, streaming down her face like there was no tomorrow. They didn't seem like they would plan on stopping any time soon. 

What confused her was her own mind. Taylor had been so upset two months ago when she had lost yet another baby, her fourth miscarriage. She thought Travis' sperm might be different. Maybe her body just couldn't handle the spawn of the English boy from the yoghurt shop. Maybe he looked too much like he could be her brother: call it natural selection!

But no, she couldn't even hold onto Travis' baby either. What was wrong with her. Statistically speaking, it would be Taylors fault. If it's with one guy, fair enough; it's all a fair game. But two.... thats called just being in plain denial. It's the facts of life: plain and simple, no matter how cruel. It was how nature worked, she didn't care about your little feelings. Or life plans. 

But if by some miracle this baby stayed; super glued itself to her uterus, there was a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. Something that wasn't nausea or a foetus. It was an uneasy feeling.

Deep down, Taylor didn't want this. A few months ago she had been ecstatic that she was pregnant again, with Travis' baby. That man was the perfect dad material. She had seen it with his nieces and when they both looked after Wyatt, Elliotte and Bennet over the summer, things felt so perfect. What had suddenly changed. 

She threw the plastic tests against the wall, refusing to look at the truth in the face any longer. They collided with a loud smash before coming to rest face up against the shower. Another way to taunt her, but at least now it was from a distance. 

Timing... It was always about the timing. Taylor knew deep down that she couldn't be pregnant right now. She had the rest of the Eras Tour left to complete, press stuff for the new album still and she had began working on a new album. How could she ever think straight with a baby inside her, controlling everything from her emotions to her urinary frequency. And Travis was in the middle of the football season. As much as he was amazing, he wasn't superman. He didn't have the powers to be in two places at once. And the team have to come first. Travis would have a million lifetimes with Taylor, but only one to spend playing with the Chiefs. It was cruel and it was unfair. She had yearned for a baby for so long. Hoped and prayed for it. And when she could afford to have one, she couldn't.