Healed

Shattered

Stayed in the hospital for a whole two days and all I can tell you I feel numb. My mind is struck on the betrayal plus the death and where is God I serve when I needed him, I grew up worshipping and praising him and believing in him but why do I have to go through this? Why me ? Lord why me ? I am not strong enough to watch her go through her pregnancy with my ex happy while mine is dead ....i know I didn't want a child but I would have love him/her the same way. This was where I got even further from God, I have forgotten that Job went through worst and was still patient with him, never curse him nor question him and he got back more than what he lost but my mind was clouded with hate that I turn around being spiteful to God. Went home to Cornwall courts my parents drop me off to get the pills from the pharmacy that gave me and you know Jamaican system that is a whole day .
Pull open my door ready to just be by myself and isolate in bed until this 5 days sick leave is up and back to make some money and start to live me maddest life, turn around to lock the door and walk to my bedroom, why am I hearing music when I am sure I should be alone ? But them ya thief different a Mobay dem live ya ....me too weak fi even fight dem can tek me too. Pull the bedroom door because me wah sleep and if a dirt a dirt, walk to my bed and fall face down, for those wondering the person in my house then must live here so I am not going to disturb them  just need them to hurry and get out so I can go bathe and sleep naked. Lay down and then remember such man and good gyal did deh pon this . The speed weh me fly off the bed inna not even the road runner weh inna bugs bunny cudda never ketch me. The anger that pull the sheets off the bed in sent both of us flying into the wall down came my 75 inch tv from the walk into my head , watch almost knock out . The person that was inside my bathroom fly out looking scared and confuse , here standing in front me in all his naked glory is the great such man . The dick that as I once saw it would have my pussy pulsing and wet now make it dry and vex. I fit do angry that I all I can is way to kill this man alive but I can't because I love him , yes I love him because even tho what he did was fucked up , he showed me love and ensure that I put my all in everything I do , my mini cheerleader but although he did all of that the disrespect was heavy like couple cement, fighting girls for him, abuse, disrespect and now a whole child I am done with him. He asked me am I ok? And I started laughing ppl I laugh like it's funniest joke I have ever gotten while trying not to erupt on this man , am I ok? Am I ok? I am far from that but he does not need to know to that.
     I got silent and the silence was loud , eye to eye contact and silence filled the room not even the appliances wanted to make a sound because I am silent with the biggest smile staring at him my prey, would I be wrong if I smash one of these lamps on his head, but who go clean it up ? Because I am too tired to do that . I told him to leave , in tone that meant no is not an option , he turn and went in the bathroom and I went back to my cleaning, check the tv it didn't broke so I started playing Celine Dion albums and headed straight to my walk in closet and everything that man owned came out of the closet flying and him grabbing stuff ,all the rage and anger that I am feeling had that man scared of me because I never showed this side of me . He was packing but took his time folding his clothes , mi push him out if the way and walk go inna the kitchen fi two big garbage bag because him affi come out today . Stuff everything inna the bag and carry it outside , grab the suitcase from him and put it outside, come back in come see suchman a look pon me and not moving, wal up to him slowly and grab him by him collar and pull him out like when madda pull Pitney fi go best dem . Straight me door and slam it shut turn and me and me father eyes made 4, somebody please explain why me tell him to be useful and change mr locks and that is all ppl memories is over , I feel the sleep so tomorrow or see in the next two hours