Arranged to Hate you. M.Y.G

I shouldn't.

I wasn't supposed to do that,
I was supposed to hate her,plan to make her hate me so that we don't agree to marry,and nothing else,I wasn't supposed to be thinking about her.

How her soft skin felt on mine,how her weight pressed on my body felt like,no, no,no.

I wasn't supposed to feel.

I wasn't supposed to get lost.
Especially in her eyes.
Those dark brown orbs,and the long lashes above them, her soft hair and the tangled petals roses stuck in them.

I wasn't sent to feel.

I wasn't arranged to feel all of these,

I was arranged to hate her.

But I couldn't.

When I saw her admist the crowd, when, she was whispering sorrys to every person she bumped into,I was supposed to watch where I was going, I wasn't supposed to get so lost seeing her in the crowd,the same girl that I was arranged to meet, I was not supposed to not see anyone but her.

I wasn't supposed to feel.

I should have lifted up all my gaurds when we fell, when she fell on me and when those rose petals fell from the boxes, when, suddenly, I fell, for her.

I should have done anything and everything, i had gun, knife, blade, my anger, the only feeling inside me, to use as my gaurd.

But as if, as if,all of my weapons failed,for the first time, when she managed to built a new feeling that was buried inside of me and long forgotten.

I had her photo, I had her background, what she did in her past and when,every little detail,even her contact and her socials.

But I went to her address because damn it, I don't care what I was supposed to do, I wanted to feel again.

The moment I met her, I knew I met the disaster of my destruction, and yet,I knew I met my escapism.

Although i wasn't allowed to escape anything my dad arranged to me.

No bullets,no blades,no person,no words effected me the way her presence soley did.

And when I say this, I am not talking about my scars, my healed injuries or my cold personality i keep forward to protect the lost soul of mine, because all of those travel through my nerves and flow away by each drip of blood from my body,but the effect of her on my heart.

My emotional self,

I couldn't bear the fact that,

She made me feel.

Something I haven't done in years.

And I knew it wasn't healthy, I knew, by her past, she is not going to give in just to obey her dad or is going to sacrifice her freedom for me, and being my escapism.

So when I walked into her appartment, I was prepared for the rejection. I switched off my emotions once again though it was just rage fury anger and the new born love i had in the name of emotions, I pressed the bell.

But then why? And how?And what the hell?

She found that switch ever so innocently only to switch it back again?

When I saw her again, her hair those fell on my face the earlier this morning now soaked up in dripping water. Her pale skin and puffed up cheeks, her brows raised and eyes, damn those dark orbs, holding panic and confusion.