I cant sleep without you

Iceberg

         Kara eventually found my hiding place. I lay in the closet of my mom's room, on the floor, amidst her scattered belongings. I buried myself in them, lying on my back. Silly as it may seem, the scent of her clothes still creates the illusion that she's in this world. All I can do is close my eyes and imagine.

— 'You never came to the funeral,' — Kara's voice is terribly sad, just as hoarse as mine, from the tears that never seem to stop. I brush my mom's shawl off my face and sit up, leaning on the dresser.

— "I came. I just couldn't bring myself to approach... So I watched from afar," — my cheeks already tingling from dried tears. I can't bring myself to look at Kara.

— "Everyone asked about you, wanted to offer their condolences."

— "What's the point of their condolences?" — I raise my eyes up to the ceiling. — "It doesn't make things any easier. These people just want to mark themselves as having shown respect. Nothing more..."

— "Amy..." — She seems shocked by my words.

— "In this world, everything must have meaning, Kara. But my mom's death had no meaning..." — Tears well up again and flow down my cheeks. — "There was no sense in it... Just none," — my teeth clenched, I can barely breathe, another bout of hysteria overcoming me. — "Kara... I can't... I feel so... so..." — I struggle for breath, — "so much pain... I shouldn't have gone into the room when they were washing her. Now all I see in my mind is her lifeless body, blood streaming from it because of the water..." — I draw my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. — "I regret shouting at her. It was the last thing she heard from me," — I don't look at Kara, I can't, my eyes see nothing at all, I'm just crying into my knees. I hear her steps hurrying toward me. —  "Stop! Don't come closer!" — She stops abruptly. I look at her; she's crying too, wanting to hug me.

— "Amy..."

— "If you hug me now, I'll completely lose it and won't be able to say what needs to be said..." — Her gaze changes, her face tensing up. I summon all my willpower, wiping away tears, and stand up. — "You need to leave," — I stare intensely into her eyes.

— "What?" — she asks, barely audible. She takes a step toward me, but I stop her again, extending my hand in front of me.

— "No! Kara... Please. You have somewhere to go," — a slight desperate laugh escapes me, — "just leave me."

— "No... What are you talking about?! Do you really think I'm going to listen to you right now?! If you need to be alone—by all means, I won't come into this room, I'll sit in the next one, also alone, and cry. I'll turn off all the lights and won't make a sound. But don't come up with all this melodramatic nonsense now, like we need to part ways!"

— "If I need to?" — I bitterly laugh again. — "I need nothing, Kara. I just need my mother... Alive! Can you give me that? Huh? Can anyone who came today, and there were many, bring her back? I don't even know most of them, so I didn't go near them. I don't need their hypocritical tears and words about how much they supposedly mourn. I don't need everyone to come up to me and tell me—her daughter—what a good person she was! Damn it, I know that myself!" — My tone doesn't waver. I'm almost shouting, gesturing angrily as if Kara is somehow to blame.

— "You're not the only one suffering, Amy! It's not just you who's hurting!" — There's a wild desperation in her voice.

— "True..." — I nod frequently. — "True. Tell me, what's it like to lose a mother twice?" — Her breath catches at what she hears. — "Pretty shitty, huh? And what's the point? Why does everything happen like this? For what? Why live in this world if everything is so unfair? Why love someone if the more you love, the more it hurts? Can you answer me these questions?" — She can't say anything, just looks at me, unblinking, tears in her eyes. — "In this damn world, you can't be happy, Kara... You get cruelly punished for it!" — We fall silent for a while, looking into each other's tear-filled eyes. Kara shakes her head almost imperceptibly, as if she can't believe everything I'm saying right now. — "I just need..." — I cry softly, — "to wake up... Wake up with you in my arms, go downstairs, and see our mom in the kitchen as usual, bustling about getting ready for work and drinking her bitter coffee. That's all I need," — my body trembles slightly, I can't stop. I cry and cry... She tries to approach and hug me again, but once more I don't let her, stepping back. — "Leave. She wanted us to stop. So we will."