I cant sleep without you

Find out all my secrets III

      I can't, everything is tearing out of me. I want to shout out everything that's in my heart, throw it out and forget to hell. Why is everything getting so complicated? Why do I only find out Kara's true feelings when she disappears?! What nonsense is this, is it really impossible for everything in life to be simpler? If there is a God, he definitely loves drama.

       I quickly get into the car, throwing my backpack on the next seat. Slamming the door, I lower my head to the steering wheel and lean my forehead against it. I need to calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

— CALM DOWN! — I scream and desperately, with force, hit the steering wheel, after which I squeeze it tightly with my hands. My hair covered my face and slightly stuck to my cheeks, which were already wet from tears. I feel absolutely disgusting. I'm devastated. My head is just pounding, I close my eyes and catch my breath. This is not the time to be hysterical...

      I returned home as quickly as possible. I open my laptop and decide to scroll through everything until the evening when she told me that she played with me. I don't want to miss a word about her thoughts and feelings, but I don't have the patience anymore, I need to figure out what's happening. Whatever it is, I have to find out.

***

       Just as I thought... This will haunt me forever. I'm stupid. So stupid that she allowed herself to fall in love. I allowed myself to dream. Allowed myself to live in a dream. When we lay under the stars, I felt like I was weightless. Everything was so wonderful, and I had already decided that Benny was right, and the bal would leave wonderful memories. But again this struggle inside me destroyed everything. Amy touched me, her desire was mutual, but as soon as I thought about what was coming, I was scared. It felt like if she saw my body, she would see everything I did. She will see every touch that I hate. She will see my past. When I said that I was playing with her, and I was just interested, I wanted to fall into the ground from her gaze... I'm so angry with myself. Self-loathing consumes me again. Flashes of memories lead to freezing of all organs.

      I was only five years old. Every night the door to the room was opened, and we were checked with a flashlight to see if everything was in place. I don't remember exactly when it started, but I always waited with horror for the light from this lantern. Only one person always went to check. This man's name was Andrew. During the day, he smiled, delighted the children with funny stories, brought goodies, and taught them to draw. All the children loved him. He's Juss's brother, she doted on him. I remember with what admiration she watched him play with us. Yes, everyone loved him, except me... I was very little, but from the first days I felt that this man was not who he said he was. He tried to cheer me up and paid more attention. Every time I ignored his efforts, Juss began to lecture me about how he wants to make friends, and I push him away, but you can't behave like that. If only she knew what he really is. Every time the light of the lantern fell on my face, a chill ran through my body and I began to tremble. He called me over, took me by the hand and led me into an abandoned closet of the building. Every night was a challenge for me. His voice... every whisper, every touch... Everything he did killed the child in me. No, he didn't rape me. More precisely, he did not rape my body, he liked something else. He liked making me touch him.

     I hit the bag and remember everything, each blow takes out from me all the abomination that I experienced.

- "Quiet, quiet... We don't want to be heard..." - He wiped my tears, stroked my cheeks and continued to repeat, "quiet..."

- "You like this, don't you?" - When I shook my head in response, he got angry and told me to do it again and again until I liked it... But when I nodded, in the hope that it would last less, he smiled and told me to continue... Differences did not have.