I cant sleep without you

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We stood silently for some time, looking into each other's eyes. My heart was pounding terribly, I was short of breath, and it was irregular. I felt like I was being torn apart. We remained silent as if for an eternity; she wanted to say something but hesitated. Please, say something... Just don't say anything that will cause me more pain. Don't say you hate me. Don't say you're leaving. Please, not that, but also don't stay silent. Oh God, please...

— "Do you remember the day I wanted to leave?" — Finally, she spoke.

I didn't understand where she was going with this and just nodded. I felt a slight tremble in my legs. What is happening to me?

— "You said back then that we were stuck with each other, that we're family and I can't do anything about it..." — She pauses, and my hands clench into fists. I'm afraid she'll use my words against me again. — "So, I want it to stay that way. The closeness we had between us—it's not for sisters. Let's just stop this..." — She looks me in the eyes, and suddenly, her expression changes. I see a tear drop from her eye; she clearly didn't expect this. — "Before it's too late," — her voice is strained, hoarse. I want to hug her now, but I can't, I shouldn't... — "Um, we don't need this. I... I don't need this," — she shakes her head slightly, affirming her words. — "I only need family." — She swallows loudly and exhales, like when a lump gets stuck in your throat.

I catch every word she says, every emotion, and absorb it all.

— "I won't be able to give you the feelings you expect from me. I won't be able to fall in love with you. Trust me, no matter what you do or how, I won't be able to... So just forget it, treat it as a game. That's all it was to me. Please..." — She pauses, her eyes scanning me, running a hand through her hair, gripping it at the roots. — "I don't like drama. We're only 17, Amy... God, you'll meet someone who will reciprocate your feelings..." — Her lips smile, supposedly affirming her words, but her eyes are sad... It makes it even harder for me, and my eyes are burning now, I can barely hold it together. — "And I'll be genuinely happy for you," — she continues to smile, wiping away the tears that fell from her cheek with the back of her hand.

I keep myself together. It's clear she wants to convey the truth to me, but this truth is so scorching that I'm burning inside. I can't make her love me, nor would I want to force it. I lift my eyes to the ceiling and blink quickly. Enough crying.

— On that evening, under the stars, I... — I swallow a painful lump in my throat and try to speak clearly. — I allowed myself too much. If you're afraid of such intimacy, Kara, I won't push, I'll wait as long as it takes. — I cling to every opportunity, desperation and hope have taken hold of me. These feelings are the most hateful to me. — I understand, you're not ready for this, and that's okay, I... — I was interrupted.

— Let's have sex.

— What... — Did I hear that right?

— We can have sex. Right now. — She casually takes off her shirt, revealing her bra.

— Kara, what are you saying? What are you doing? — I'm confused. Her half-naked appearance both embarrasses and throws me off, I don't understand what she's trying to achieve.

— Yes, I'm a virgin, but I'm not afraid of the first time — she says calmly with a slight hoarseness and slowly approaches. — So let's do it — she looks me straight in the eyes.

— What are you trying to achieve? — I whisper hoarsely.

— Doesn't it dawn on you yet... I can sleep with you and say all the same things as five minutes ago. Will you understand then? — She stands very close, my eyes jump from her eyes to her lips and back. I notice that her eyes do the same. — Well, what do you say, — she whispers in my lips — should I keep undressing or do you want to do it yourself?