True Colours

A farewell to the past

He keeps looking at the clock in the kitchen and nervously taps the end of his pen on the table where he is sitting.

Harry has been sitting in front of the blank piece of paper for two hours, trying to use the time while Louis is at university to write a letter. But the task suddenly seems unsolvable and Harry doesn't know if it's simply because he doesn't have Louis with him.

Bullshit, you're just afraid to take the step. But nothing can happen, you don't need Louis with you for this. Plus, you don't tell them anything about my existence anyway.

His little monster is particularly talkative this morning and Harry is actually letting it whirl around wildly. It's so much easier to not keep pushing it into the back corner and instead let it chatter away and watch as it paints some of his dark walls inside with rainbow colours.

And it's right. What should happen to him? It's the easiest way to end it and yet Harry just can't put the words on the paper. It's like a blockage and he's incredibly stressed about not being able to overcome it. The fears come back with each passing minute alone. What if his parents call after receiving the letter? Okay... he could decline the call. But what if they stand at his door angry, shouting at him and making it clear what a terrible person Harry is. As if by itself, this idea spreads in himself and plays out as a horror scenario in his mind's eye.

How Harry would unsuspectingly open the door to his apartment, his mother holds up the letter accusingly and his father, just like back then, gives him a resounding slap in the face without another word. Harry, who holds his cheek in shock and can't defend himself again, just like the little boy from back then. Unloved by his own parents who literally stomp him into the ground with words where Harry already lies and cowers.

Harry feels it as if it wasn't just an imagination, the feelings from his childhood into adulthood too good of a foundation to completely lose himself in it. 

He just wants Louis with him, needs him so much in this moment, that he would hold his hand and keep him in the here and now. With his logic that nothing can happen to Harry, just to keep him sane. But Louis isn't there yet, even though he only had two classes today and should have been there by now.

And Harry hates himself for it when he finally jumps up from his chair and goes to the cupboard where he has hidden a secret emergency ration of sweets after Louis had already insisted on throwing away any temptation before visiting his parents.

Harry quickly kneels on the floor in front of the cupboard under the sink and pulls out the box from behind all his cleaning utensils in which his unhealthy help lies.

It's no help, Harry. Come on, let it be. Would we rather watch memories? I can show you how good it felt when Louis caressed your naked body. He's so sexy.

His little monster sends him exactly this memory, all while the red heart-eyed monster joins him, sighs in love and blinks his eyes in awe. But Harry pushes them both away. He knows that his coping mechanism is wrong but it is the quickest way to calm down now. Why does everyone expect so much from him? He already has a guilty conscience because he's weak again and has already grabbed a chocolate bar and taken the first bite. It's so damn hard to get away from it, no matter how much Harry knows that it doesn't actually help him at all and that he really wants to change it himself.

He is so angry with himself and with the two little monsters who desperately conjure up all sorts of images for him because all he really wants to do is lose himself in the chocolate. He’s so frustrated that he can't even cry anymore even though he actually feels like it. As he reaches for the second one, he hears the key in the door and he knows it can only be Louis, to whom he gave his spare key, now that he is temporarily living with Harry to support him in his first phase after self harming.