True Colours

Childhood Wounds

Two weeks later and the day has come that Harry fears. Today is his first therapy session and Harry is a nervous wreck.

It's one thing to be privately supported by sweet Louis so that he can come to terms with the idea of liking men. Even more fooling around with this very special man. But it's a completely different thing to reveal to another person what he's so ashamed of.

Of course, on further meetings Louis and Harry exchanged handjobs and blowjobs and Harry fucked him three more times. But he couldn't take the final step of bottoming for Louis. Because for Harry, it feels like that's the decisive point when he is completely gay. Irrevocable. As if he didn't already know this, but it's just what Harry feels, regardless of whether it makes sense to others or to himself. Plus, Harry is afraid of getting even more lost in his feelings for Louis if he gives himself fully to him. What could trigger this feeling into so much more. He's already having a lot of trouble not wanting to have Louis around him all the time; every time they meet, it's harder not to want to kiss and caress him.

It's a real torture to go against himself and yet it's what he has to do.

Harry would never be able to give Louis a proper relationship, to call him his boyfriend in front of his parents. Never give him a public relationship even far away in London because Harry still doesn't know how therapy can make him understand this. That it's okay to love another man freely and publicly. For Harry it is still unimaginable.

Just three days ago there was a situation that left Harry having a panic attack and Louis having trouble calming him down as he completely freaked out. Both were overcome by lust when Harry was with Louis. Actually just to help him learn when Harry asked him about his upcoming exam material. But then suddenly Louis had sunk to the floor between Harry's legs, and he was clinging to the cushions of the sofa as he gave him a blowjob.

Neither of them heard Louis' sister come in, who has a spare key and it seems to be completely normal for the siblings to come by unannounced.

And so Lottie stood in the living room with wide eyes and stared, no longer able to react. Louis quickly grabbed a pillow and pressed it against Harry's groin and quickly wiped his mouth. It was humiliating and so scary. Because Lottie is no stranger. She knows Harry as her yoga trainer and all of that made it so much worse as if it had been a stranger who caught them both doing it.

Harry's panic froze him and he sat there with his face beet red, looking at the pillow he was clutching tightly to himself as tears streamed down his cheeks. His heart felt like it stopped and then beat so hard in his chest that he could hardly breathe. His head was foggy and he only noticed how Louis spoke quietly and quickly to his sister. Shortly afterwards the apartment door closed shut and then Louis was with him again. Harry barely remembers the words he said to him, only that they were supposed to sound reassuring but Harry was far too deep in his panic.

The only thing that helped was when Louis took him into the kitchen, wordlessly handed him his tin of sweets and Harry stuffed himself like a madman between his tears and sobs. The incident with Lottie was so hard for him to bear that it didn't even bother him that Louis saw him eating. Harry would have liked to eat so much more but Louis stopped him at some point and it was more of a guided binge eating. Harry cursed and cried, even begged for Louis to give him more, but it didn't help. Louis was gentle and loving as he pulled him into his lap as he sat on the floor with Harry leaning against the cupboards in his kitchen. Harry cried tears for a long time and wanted to die out of shame, but Louis had perseverance and held him tightly in his arms. Who knows how long.

When Harry had calmed down somewhat, Louis had spoken to him with the tongue of an angel, assuring him that Lottie wouldn't say anything to a soul and that he wouldn't have to be embarrassed. He once caught Lottie having sex himself and they were finally even. Little consolation for Harry but there wasn't really much he could have done other than to believe Louis that his sister really wouldn't say anything to anyone. In the best case scenario, not even the tiniest comment the next time she meets Harry. He just wanted to suppress it.