MY DIARY
February 13 2022
It was my graduation, I felt sad at that day because I did not give my father any medal. So, I made a promise that I will do my best to take him to the stage and I, myself, will put it to him. We're not rich but we can guarantee everything we need and buy what we wanted sometimes. We are like an outcast to the whole family because we are the least richer. We also are a huge family, we are absolutely 10, 8 siblings (4 boys and 4 girls) so, it sometimes hard for my parents to take us somewhere because it felt like someone will gossip about our family. They did not say it but they face did. I am not smart but I gains a lot of confidence when my family are praising me about how good I was in speaking english (though, I sometimes have error on grammar and spellings.) And how good I was in making a story plot.
We believed in the Lord but we sometimes don't follow Him. You know, the world became so terrifying nowadays. We learned how to pray by our father, he also believe in Christ but because of this scary world, he refused to disobey Him sometimes.
When I started to follow Jesus I thought it would be easy but it is really really really scary and hard.
February 15 2022
I felt insecure whenever I go to school to pass my modules. It's strange right? Wanna know why? It's because I always see a bunch of girls being beautiful as they could be. It's not only because of beauty, it's also because they are smart. And there's more! It's also because they have friends while I have none. Jesus loves me though, it does not matter as long as I have my true Friend that can show how beautiful I am. That only matters.
I felt alone, but alone itself does not exist because we always have Jesus.
Come to think of it! I am writing this while going home from school and believe me or not, before I go to school I pray to God that I can encourage and tell God's words today to someone and it turns out to be me! This somehow comforts me. Thank You, Lord.
February 16 2022
Happiness starts when you ignore the wrong tone and just enjoy the song.
You know, right now, I'm losing my memory little by little. I don't know what kind of disease this is but it slowly consuming what I restored in my mind. I also easily forget lot of things and I always had a headache everytime I do something. I don't know what's happening, but if I truly lose my mind and forget everything....I want God to stayed in my head. Till the end. Till my very last breath. I want Him to stay.
My heart can barely beat and my left eye is slowly losing its vision. I don't know what's happening, I don't know what will happen next and what will happen to me. But if I lost all in me, including my life and spirit, I want God to take it. Him only.
February 17 2022
When I was young I believed that I was someone that is special. That I owned a wonderful talent or personality that they just can't figure it out. I always think that there is some treasure in me and people just can't see it so they treated me as a mess.
And now, having this kinds of diseases, I began to think someone special again. My parents lost their faith in God and forget about His laws and if I tell them that I have sufferings, they will have no choice but to trust in God.
Being the reason of something...makes me someone special. And that is my dream; to be someone's reason one day.
February 19 2022
Everytime I got scared about my diseases and future I always remind myself the time I got a wound at the center of my palm.
I was riding a bicycle when I was young. I rode on a rocky soil and a sharp iron gate surrounded me (that was the gate of our neighbor.) Unfortunately, I lost my balance. I became paranoid and absentmindedly I held the iron-sharp gate to make it steady and prevent me from falling to the mud. Unluckily, it didn't work.
