where dreams go

tape 46: pathological liar

I recently looked up the meaning of "pathological liar".

I known it for a while but it never came to me to know what it meant.

"unable to control their lying due to the underlying mental health disorder."

And it turns out, I am one.

For how I lied during the interview when I was asked if I was fine being communicative and not introverted.

Well that is just for starters.

The ones that I had only realized it now, was when

I could eat vegetables when I was with my past partners. Even though deep down how I despise vegetables.

I could ignore whatever it is I was struggling with but I would ran to the people closest to me whenever the slightest harm happened to them.

I could be an empathic towards people's feelings and hardships even though I had never felt not slightest of what they're going through.

I could say "no" with a straight face or just laugh it off to my friends and family whenever they asked me if I had ever miss her.

But as I read more into what is a pathological liar, I realized that somehow in some way, I am both am and am not one.

I do lie, but with hints of truth to it.

But never had those lies that I fabricated had caused me harm, well at least not yet in my opinion.

I do wonder how do I did ever self diagnosed myself being one, maybe because of my low self-esteem and a false sense of security.

I do tend to crave for people to be in awe with myself but also at the same time I want to be mysterious for no reason.

It's not that I am fascinating person or even some way interesting.

I just didn't want to be known.

Maybe something is wrong with me.

Well just scratch the "maybe" part.

Something is indeed wrong.