The Boy with Pretty Eyes

Chapter 3: Drowning in regret.

Toby was sat in front of both Fit & Pac, they were all engaging in a conversation, but Toby's mind was anywhere but in the restaurant.

He was swimming in the lake of regret, If I feel terrible before I even do anything, how bad will it be once it's done?

It worried him, but he couldn't stop. Not now, he had to go through. He waited for the food to arrive, he waited for a moment where he didn't have to talk to the people he was about to hurt.

Like the universe had heard his prayers, the food was carried out by the waitress and placed gently on the table. Toby sighed in relief as Pac & Fit began to eat their food, sweet silence filled the air.

Toby didn't have much of an appetite, he felt if he were to eat anything it were going to come right back out. He already felt disgusted by himself, he didn't need to be disgusted by the taste in his mouth too.

After a while of Pac & Fit enjoying their meal, Fit got up to what Toby assumed to go use the restroom. Toby knew the moment to act was now, not tomorrow, not after dinner, now. Toby's heart ached as the words left his mouth, "Isn't great that Fit's getting out there?"

Pac looked at Toby with a look of confusion but at the same time hopeful look, hope that what Toby was about to say wasn't true. "You know? Fit's partner?" He asked as if they were a real person that Pac should've known.

Pac's face dulled, "I was hoping to tell him" He told Toby. Toby knew the answer to the question he was going to ask, "Tell him what?"

Pac looked up at Toby, their eyes meeting, Pac's eyes having a slight shimmer. I'm a terrible friend.

"That I love him." 

Toby's heart ached so much, that being stabbed in the chest would hurt less than what he felt right now. "Oh, Pac I'm so sorry..."

Toby was apologizing for everything, the lie, the heartbreak, all of it. Because he knew it was his fault, and he hated it.

"I thought, he liked me back. He gave me all the signs, but I guess he was just being friendly." Pac said, his heart completely shattered, beyond repair.

Just then Fit returned, Smiling. "Back" he said, as Pac moved away from him just ever so little. Fit seemed to notice but didn't want to point it out. But you could see on his face how it did hurt him a little.

They continued to eat, Pac not speaking a word to Fit. They both talked to Toby but avoided talking to each other. Toby just couldn't stand it, why do I care so much?

Toby was seeing his friends upset, and it was because of him. They're like this because of me, because of my selfishness.  But in anyway is this what I wanted to happen?

But Toby continued to force a smile on his face, as he was the only source of communication between Pac & Fit.

Once Fit & Pac finished eating, they all got up after Toby finished Paying. Toby in the middle of the two as they walked out of the restaurant, they walked Toby home as usual. However, Pac just hugged Toby and said goodbye as he sped away.

To avoid talking to Fit, Toby thought. Fit stared at Toby, Toby half expecting him to cry right then and there. "What did I do?" Fit asked desperately trying to fix the wrong he didn't commit.

Toby just shrugged, acting as if this isn't your fault. His mind mocked him as he saw a broken man walk away.

Toby dashed up the stairs to his apartment and after shutting the door, he put his back against it, and dropped down to the floor.

There Toby laid curled up in a ball. With his knees against his chest, and arms holding his whole body in place.

Toby was drowning in regret, a lake he made himself. You had the opportunity to save yourself from this, to save them from this. And what did you choose? You chose to be selfish.

Toby hated this, he hated everything about this. He hated his mind, he hated his words, he hated himself. He deserved to drown, he deserved to feel how he felt.

This is the consequences of your own fucking actions Toby, it's about time you experienced this.

Honestly what did I expect?  Tears began to prick at the corner of Toby's eyes. Toby was reaching for any positive thought he had, but there was none.

Maybe tomorrow things will be different, Toby thought. Although he knew that his optimism was weak and thin, still it was all he had. And he wasn't going to let it go.

The rest of the day was miserable, Toby sat in his apartment either crying, or mindlessly scrolling on his phone. Trying to distract himself from the grave he dug for himself, his eyes burned. From crying & the blue light from his phone after staring at it for the entire day.

His phone died, and Toby took it as a sign to go to bed. It was only 9pm but he didn't care, he wanted this miserable day to end.

You know you can't just run away from your problems? Your problems will be right here in the morning.

This thought kept Toby awake for hours, he was in denial of the inevitable fate. That tomorrow was going to be the exact same as today, miserable.

He ended up falling asleep at 2 am, it put his mind at ease. It was the best part of his day. This day seemed to repeat itself for 6 days the same routine nothing changing.

_____________

When his 5 am alarm rang, he was not exactly eager to wake up. Well, no one really was, however, Toby took a shower and did his normal routine. Which was impressive that he even got out of bed that day, considering the fact that he only got 2 hours of sleep.

Today is going to be just as miserable as yesterday. Toby thought deeply about what to do now, he was too disgusted by himself.

He walked down the stairs and looked straight ahead as he walked to work. His eyes were empty, and it was as if he was a machine. Only doing what he was programmed, he looked unreal. He was extremely tired and felt as if he were going to be sick. Toby had not eaten anything since breakfast the day before.

He went through the door, disappointed that he didn't hear the lively chatter from the two men. Instead, it was a suffocating silence, the two men avoiding even looking at each other.

Toby looked terrible, even though he himself knew that. His normally fluffy hair would make a perfect swoop, he also had just recently dyed the ends of his brown hair blonde. But there was nothing pretty about Toby's appearance, his hair was a mess, deep eye bags took a place under his eyes.

And his eyes that usually held so much energy, were dead. Their usual shimmer was gone, there was nothing left of the man that once was in control of that body.

His friends in deep concern, walked up to him asking if he was alright and what had happened. It only made him feel worse, their sympathy and kind nature.

It only made Toby feel more guilt, these people had stood by my side since we met. What am I doing?

"I can't stand seeing you two like this." Toby confessed; he knew he had to tell them. But there was something more important that right now, Their relationship with each other, not me. Pac & Fit exchanged looks, "Please just get coffee or something and talk it over." Toby begged.

They looked at each other then at Toby, Pac opened the door. Fit & Pac stepped out to the cafe across the street, "Mornings Delight."

Toby knew that when they came back, if they came back. He was going to have to explain himself, but as he went behind the counter a small smile spread across his face.