It wasn't me

Chapter 22

Rose

Since the night when I found out that Felix was Eunha or Eunha was Felix, I dreaded going to work. I loved this job and not for a second did I think I will not want to come here. But here I was. Another morning riding the subway until the last stop of its route towards the suburbs of the city, another morning walking into the hospital and the smell making me sick, another day hoping Felix or Eunha won’t show to therapy. For the last couple of sessions he didn’t. I didn’t know how he managed to make the guards leave him alone but this was probably easy for him, keeping in mind the fact that he knows all the exits of this place and he left on multiple occasions without being caught or raising any suspicions. It didn’t raise me any suspicion, not even for a second, in any of the times that I was with him that Felix and Eunha were the same person. Now that I know the truth, there is no difference between the two, not even if Eunha was covering his face. Did I really let my feelings blind me so much that I couldn’t see the truth screaming at me from his eyes?

I was keeping myself busy in the therapy room and moving things around, hoping to make it more patient friendly since I was told that I’ll get a new patient in soon. I was so preoccupied that I didn’t hear when the door opened and then closed. Only the clearing of the throat made me aware someone entered. I turned towards the sound, expecting to see my boss since no one really could come here unannounced but as I turned around my somewhat smile faltered. I didn’t think I’d see him again, well maybe it was a bit dramatic, I still had to treat him but at least I didn’t expect to see him so soon. He looked the same but at the same time different. His hair had been cut shorter, he didn’t have that mullet anymore which I very much liked, he isn’t as buff as before, he slimmed down to what he used to look like when I first met him. Did he go back to not eating enough? His eyes were still dark and deep but they didn’t shine the same way they did when we were at the market and he saw me try fish cakes. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the way his eyes shone that night…well before the whole fiasco with Cole started. Now his eyes lacked life and lines were decorating his under eyes. He wasn’t sleeping well either.

We stood in silence, each of us on one side of the room. No words are exchanged, only sometimes looks and the only sound that could be heard were our breaths. It was so akward I felt like if the ground swallowed me whole it would be better. There was an unspoken feeling between us. He told me on that night that he liked me and the worst part of it was that I did too, he just didn’t know it. But I couldn’t and I can’t like him. It’s forbidden but like the fruit of Eden, it tastes to sweet that you forget it is forbidden.

He made the first step and sat down on the sofa, his usual spot when he wasn’t sitting on the ground or on the window ledge and looking outside. I was still standing, not knowing what to do. I have an MD in pharmacology and a PhD in neuroscience. I was considered a bright student in my class but I guess that when it came to social interactions…I sucked. I mean how am I supposed to act around a guy, that mind you, looks so hot and is perfect in every way, including personality, he likes me, I like him but oh, I can’t do anything because he broke into my house, he is a murderer, psychopath and arsonist. I’m convinced the world hates me at this point so the only thing I can do is stare. Stand and look. Like a statue.

“Can we talk? Please Rose.” He broke the silence and damn, he said my name with that accent of his that I like so much.

I still didn’t say anything but I took a seat on the couch opposite of him.

He sighs, a habit that I noticed he has when he doesn’t find the words to say what he wants to say. But it’s okay, I have patience.

‘You shouldn’t have patience with him Rose! He is a murderer for God’s sake and you want to chit chat with him because you like him? Hello!! This is not a romance novel!’ One side of my brain tells me and to some extent it’s right. I shouldn’t be patient, I should be scared, do something, anything. But I entered this place with a promise on my first day. Everyone deserves a second chance. So I was ready to hear him out.

He was nervous, I see his hands trembling but after a while he speaks: “I have to tell you something and we have to talk…I know that I am in no position to ask for anything but please be patient.” He said, voice a bit shaking. I nodded my head, letting him continue. “I should start by apologising. For everything. I did some nasty shit to you, broke into your apartment, almost attacked you, I have been rude to you…I’m sorry Rose. It’s inexcusable. I also haven’t been told you much during our sessions so you don’t really know me, so let me put it out in the open. In the quiet before the dawn, where shadows whisper of the day to come, I stand before you, a man caught between the light and dark of his own soul. I’ve trespassed into your sanctuary, driven by a storm within, and for that, I am deeply sorry. My actions were a nightfall that scared away the comfort of your peace, and I cannot undo the twilight I cast upon your heart. Yet, in this intricate dance of sun and moon, I find myself drawn to you, the one who tames the tempest in me. With you, I am not the phantom that haunts the night but a man who dares to dream of daylight. It’s a strange serendipity, a foreshadowing of a fate I never dared to embrace before meeting you. I see a future that is both a promise and a peril. A future where I am no longer a specter of fear but a guardian of the flame that burns within you.” He said slowly. “the light of my future has dimmed long ago but in your presence, it flickers back to life. I am the one I should love, but it’s you who has shown me that even a soul lost in the desert can dream of the sea.
So here I am, laying bare my truth, hoping that the person that I was will one day lift, revealing not a monster, but a man who loves you, sincerely and without pretense. May this confession be the first step towards a new horizon, one where I can be the cause of your happiness, not your fear."

I had no idea what to say. He left me once again speechless. Flabbergasted. How am I supposed to reply to that now? All the things that I could have said in a normal scenario are now gone down the drain because this is not my normal scenario anymore. But this is Eunha, his raw self.

I opened my mouth to try and say anything.

“Wait, I’m not finished.” He said calmly. “I did some pretty bad things that I have never told you about but you probably figured…I killed some people and even my ex…I committed arson and…I swear Rose that it wasn’t me. Well it was but not really. There’s this other me, Agon, that takes over me and he made me do it, it wasn’t me, please…please believe me.” He said as he started to break down. Tears were now running down his face and sobs were coming out of his mouth. He was on his knees, crying and I have seen him in that position more times than I would have liked.

Without thinking I kneeled before him and took his trembling hands into mine. “Shh..it’s okay.” I whispered, trying to calm him down. “I knew those things.”

He lifts his head and looks at me. “You did? And why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because no one knew for sure but it was written in your file…it’s okay. Let’s take this day by day.” I said in a calm voice and sat down next to him.

There was one more problem we had to solve for today.

“How do you want me to call you now?” I whispered.

“Eunha. I like the way it sounds coming from your lips.” He whispered back and just like that, the battle between my heart and my brain erupted again.

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Hello! Early update for you guys. I will try to post as much as I can during this weekend because next week I'll be away and I probably won't have time to update after my normal schedule. Enjoy this chapter, votes and comments are welcomed🤍