A Stupid Girl's Book Of Dreams

Heartbreak and Freedom

Going to school the next day felt surreal, almost like a fever dream. Everything was the same in some wacky surrealistic way. It was spinning, moving, switching from fast to slow, voices sounded funny, and I found myself to be very irritable. However, the only real thing that had changed was I was down a best friend and a girlfriend.

This was mind-shattering for the social hierarchy, which honestly right now I couldn't give two shits about. Who cares who's in and who's not? Who cares how many friends these guys have and how cool they are? Doesn't change the fact that none of us truly know anything about each other and who we all are. We don't connect in the way the smaller circles do.

I was on top, and so was Tessa. Best man in every sport I did, which was a lot, which sucks with how busy it makes me. And she was the cheer captain, volleyball section leader, etc. Hudson was always my right-hand man. And then Tessa and I started dating, connecting the two sides even more. Except now everything has been ripped apart. Either Hudson's taking me down and I'm falling under as he takes Tess, or I'm knocking the both of them out of the running completely.

I saw Sierra in the hallway. I've caught myself noticing her more often lately, where I never really paid attention to her before. She always looks so sad. Today she wore a pair of black sweats and a grey sweater that looked as if it'd seen some tough times. I wonder how long she's been wearing that sweater for, and what the sweater knew that the rest of us didn't. She had her staple beat up, dirty Converse, and her auburn hair falling in loose waves in front of her face. I wish I could ask her all the questions burning in my mind, but I didn't want to upset her more than I already had. She doesn't seem to want to talk about it and it's none of my business anyway. Maybe we can become friends, or maybe more, and I'll learn eventually. Until then, maybe I'll just stick to her favorite color.

Maybe it's just me, just now noticing things perhaps, but she's like...

Beautiful.

She's breathtaking, every time I see her. And I hope one day I get to tell her that.

Before I knew it, I saw Zelia, waving her hands in front of my face. "HELLO??? Anyone home?? MAX! What on EARTH are you staring at?" She screamed, before looking at the red-haired girl behind me. Sierra noticed my staring, her pale face instantly turning a rosy red. Dammit, I made her uncomfortable. I noticed how much makeup she wore, changing the texture of her face. I had a sudden urge to want to see her without it. Over the last few days, I've noticed the girls always making fun of her, and I don't understand it.

What did Sierra do to these girls to deserve their cruelty, aside from being more beautiful than them? Or if anything, she's different from them. Quiet, an outcast, in their eyes. They bully her because she's weird, quiet, reserved, not loud, and annoying like the rest of them. Or they're mad I look at her and not one of them, more on my level? Maybe they want to bring her down, but I don't think it's possible to yank an angel as perfect as her from heaven.

In a split second, my body seemed to go into some sort of paralysis, where I couldn't make any part of me move as Zelia went over to Sierra, confronting her.

"YOU." She snarled, right up in Sierra's face, "You've got some nerve, just showing up looking like that, a NOBODY, trying to lure in THAT BOY? Ha!" She laughed, a painfully sharp sound in my ears, "You're such a desperate little slut, and to think a boy like him will ever love a girl like you? It doesn't matter how hot you are, he will never love you compared to a girl like me. Poor, slutty, desperate, worthless, loser." with that and the click of her nude heels, I watched as her hand made contact with Sierra's face, and all of a sudden, my limbs worked again.

"Zelia! What are you doing?"

"Oh Maxy, you see this desperate little whore? I was trying to get her filthy ass off your back, you can thank me later."

"No, Zelia, you can't just fucking do that."

I fought with her back and forth for a while, noticing Sierra had scurried off. The minute bell rang, and I realized the argument was pointless.

Sierra's POV

Somewhere after getting berated by that blonde girl, and Max, for some reason, arguing with her, over someone as insignificant as me, I ran off, needing to get to class and not wanting to get bitchslapped again. I don't know what Max's deal is, but I need him to back off. I need him to leave me alone. For his sake, and my own.

If my father ever found out about Max Nelson... oh the beating I would be in for. The boy would be ruthlessly tortured, murdered before my very eyes as I watched, helpless to stop it. And then I would receive the same punishment, forced to accept. I can't get attached to him, or worse, fall in love or something stupid. Even if I do, I could never act on it. My father, his girlfriend, his status. I'm so close to the end, and if I get myself killed now, that will ruin everything I've ever worked for. Maybe I do want to live, or at least die on my terms. It's getting so hard though, and I honestly feel like my will to live is slipping through my fingers as we speak. But I can't stop now. I just can't. Maybe I'm living solely in the hopes that I'm making my mother proud, perhaps.

The school day was still going, but I didn't feel up to going to any classes and dealing with any people right now. For a while, it seems, I can't force myself to do much of anything. Maybe I am depressed, maybe I'm just so done with life and playing pretend for no real reason except to make everyone else happy and I can't even seem to do that, and I'd believe it. But something in me won't let me do that.

I ran to my favorite place at the park with my laptop squished onto my chest and wrapped in my arms. I'll just do everything as a virtual check-in. Easy enough. I set my stuff down beside the bench I sat at, taking a deep breath and feeling the free air around me. Peace at last.

No Father trying to kill me, hurt me, touch me. No mad girls after me for whatever reason. No Max Nelson following my every movement. I'm free.