A Sealed Warrioress' Diary

Beacon

Dear Jesus,

Two weeks. It's been two weeks since I wrote last to You, Lord, and I'm sorry. But seriously You have to understand that I had to recover from the big blow you dealt me. Plus, I had to fully acclimatize to the terms and conditions of my consecration.

Many times, when I come to the end of myself, I cry, 'Abba, Father, help me!' from the very depths of my soul. In those moments, Heaven is opened to me and strength to press on is poured on me.

So far, I've only missed two days of my Bible reading sprint and two half-hour of my midnight prayers. Those were the days when I was positively exhausted from the day's activities.

The truth remains that every single moment spent in Your presence is pure bliss. It's always like a wave of rejuvenation to my spirit. I wouldn't trade it for anything else.

Oh, have I mentioned that I seem to have triggered a kind of chain reaction amid my friends? When I told them I would be joining the workers-in-training class in the fellowship, they all began to voice their interests as well.

Kathy said she had wanted to join for a long time but her busy schedule had prevented her. So, together, Kathy, Portia, Pris and I joined the training program in the fellowship, which made Pastor Daniel really happy.
Kathy joined the decoration team, Pris joined the welfare team while Portia joined the choir. I, of course, joined the evangelism team, as You'd instructed me.

This made me realise just how much of an influence I have on all of them, and it made me humble and scared in a way.
What if I made a mistake or deviated from Your way? What would that do to them? It became my prayer that I would never backslide, because I suddenly realised the consequences would be far greater than just the loss of my own soul, Heaven forbid.

Everything was going smoothly and I was doing fine with the final condition of my consecration, or so I thought.
Until Kathy brought up the dreaded white elephant in the room one day when it was just me and her cooking dinner in the kitchen. Pris was reading her school books and Portia was surfing YouTube for research resources for her assignment. By then, Gen and Trish had left. I'll get to that later.

"Ray," Kathy began, "Not to seem as if I'm prying or anything, but is everything alright between you and John?"

My pulse galloped at the mention of his name. I stiffened but managed to keep chopping the vegetables. Clearing my throat, I said, "What makes you say that?"

"I dunno. Maybe because you're always avoiding him. Strangely he seems to be doing the same. Did something happen?" she asked softly in that motherly tone of hers.

My face flushed as I imagined what she might be thinking. I wasn't particularly feeling up to the task of opening that slowly-healing scab again.

"Girl, you know I've been very busy lately. There's nothing going on between John and I, just like I've been trying to hammer into you people's head since forever."

Besides, with tests looming fast over me, I'd been burying myself deeper into my books, doing my best not to be distracted by aching thoughts of a particular grey-eyed boy who was slipping farther and farther away from me.

Every time I saw him in fellowship, my heart would constrict with fear that this might be a permanent separation. It didn't help matters to see him laughing freely with Lori Simons who had become a constant attendee, even though her lifestyle hadn't changed one bit, at least from what I've observed in her during our lectures.

I wasn't jealous or resentful. I was just pained. Like, I had imagined that John would try to reach out to me or something, but he didn't try, not even once. And it hurt.
At a point the pain became so bitingly persistent and acute that I had to pray that You'd take away any feelings I had whenever I saw him. Bah! It only grew worse. So, my self-imposed remedy was to avoid seeing him as much as possible.