A Sealed Warrioress' Diary

Unseeing

Dear Jesus,

I'm seated alone in the church auditorium, at the very front, directly before the altar. I've been brooding over the crazy events that happened in the past months. Some memories had me chuckling, some made me shiver involuntarily, and some brought a warm fuzzy feeling to my chest...

I'm still searching my mind for a clue to the bewildering state I'd found myself in. So far, I've got nothing.

It remains a few more days before McCheynne resumes for Level 2. I'm supposed to be preparing and planning, eager to return to college, but-and it's a big BUT-something has gone wrong and I'm confused.

After the event of seeing Emily, my real mother that night at Grandma's (which was a delightful experience, by the way) I haven't had a wink of any link to the spiritual realm. No dreams, no visions, and my discernment level is almost nonexistent too.

Even when I pray or read Your word, it's as if the heavens are brazen. It's as if someone switched off a light bulb and threw me into the dark. And it's frustrating and frightening, Jesus. Big time.

In fact, writing to You is getting more difficult. Thankfully I've built that habit and it's ingrained into me now, so I can't stop. Honestly, this diary is the only vestige of your presence that I can feel.

At first, I thought it was a temporal fix. You know, just a brief period of rest. But this has been the constant K for weeks.

I've not found the nerve to tell anyone. Not my parents, not Kathy, not Uluir, not even Portia.
What if they think I can't 'see' anymore because I have fallen into sin? And besides, what will telling them accomplish? It's not as if they have a magic wand to make my spiritual sight.

Now, I understand how Job must have felt during his trial period and how You must have felt when the father forsook You as you hung on the cross.

It's a horrible feeling. I'm barely hanging on as it is.

My big question is 'WHY?'
I've done all I know. I've prayed and fasted. I've searched my heart for any unconfessed and active sins. I've poured over scriptures, quoting and declaring Your word.
But nothing's working. It's like every spiritual formula I've gathered so far has flown out the window.

Lord, I choose to believe You're still here. I don't know why this is happening and if what I've lost will be restored soon. I just You'll hear me and give me back my sight.

Another thing that has plagued my mind is my irrational interest to know who my real dad is/was. Ever since I saw my real mother, I've been curious to know who my real father is. I've been doing a lot of research on the operations of The Scar, hoping I'd find any piece of information to help me in my quest.
I can't say why the desire was birthed in me, and I'm scared I might not like what I might end up finding.
Somehow, I have a feeling it'll be a key to knowing more about myself.

Something horrible is lurking in the background. I can feel it. And without my spiritual sight and a full understanding of my biological family tree, I fear I might not be able to fight the battles approaching.

Tomorrow, I'm going to see Nathan's Dad, Pastor Fremont. I already called ahead to fix an appointment with him.
Since he's the greater seer You used to activate my spiritual gift, I'm hoping he'll have some answers. Maybe he has experienced something like this before. Maybe he'll know what to do. I sure hope so.

I've not stopped loving You, Jesus. And whether or not this unseeing hiatus is permanent, as long as I don't lose You, I'll forever love You.

Anyways, I've got to go now. I have an outing with my girl friends later this evening.
We have plans to visit the Arrows Children Orphanage. I initiated the idea.
I wish to see Lydia and the remaining kids again before returning to the whirlwind called school.