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★・・・・・・★
Dear Jamie,
I decided I can't blame you anymore, Jamie. I can't blame you, and I can't let myself be mad anymore. I'm not mad at you. I just... I can't be mad at myself anymore. It's too bad. It's too dangerous. I can't be sad or angry. I... I need to focus on the good. I need to be happy, which is something I haven't let myself be in a while.
I think this time I'm gonna let myself write a love song. I... I need to write something happy before I destroy myself. Before I use booze to not just make myself fall asleep at night. I need to pretend to make myself happy; maybe I'll just eventually believe the illusion.
I need to explain it, why I left, why I just felt the need. It makes no sense, why I was so completely happy and then I just decided to leave you.
You ain't gotta tell me what it means, trace the outlines of your dreams.
I don't remember when I first got the notion to play music. Maybe it was the first guitar my parents got me, the memories I had attached to music that always make me think of that little house in Ireland, or maybe it was the fact you could always see babies breath from the view I had when I was playing the guitar from my spot on my bed.
You'll always be a flower on my skin, and the pain that I am in.
I think I feel the same way you do when you're on the pitch and playing your heart out. I used to have that feeling about being a photographer, but it just grew so dull. I wish it didn't, I wish I could have felt content, and I wish I could have stayed with you. But I think I'm finally accepting the fact that it's okay that I didn't feel content. It's good for your soul to feel restless. You don't want to be the same forever.
Sam came to the show, and after I played some of the songs and then invited him to come to the little after-party, he asked a lot of questions about the band. Like why I named the band after hours, which is because we would share our best times in the after hours of the game. After every game, you would either walk or drive me home. His question just left me thinking about the beach. Your velvety voice and forest green eyes.
You were a work of art.
Do you remember when you said that to me? We sat on the beach, I was freezing from the water and wind that was blowing my hair all around, and you had tugged me in closer to you. Then you had whispered in my ear that I was a work of art. You made me feel so special, so... So unlike I had ever felt before with anyone else. I can honestly say that you were one of the best things that ever happened to me because you made me feel like I was good enough to try and take on this dream of mine. Even if it was foolish, even if it doesn't work out in the end.
I remember being quiet after that. Really quiet. I didn't tell you, but I was trying to remember every curve of your face. Every little wisp of your hair in disarray, the slight stubble, the texture in the fabric of your clothing, the smile as you gazed back at me, the ever-glowing flecks of green in your eyes even in the darkness. Then you told me to pick a star.
You asked me why I wasn't saying a word; I was naming the stars in the sky after you.
Anabella. I still look up at her, you know. I still picture your eyes in that moonlight, and I still see us sitting on that bench on the beach.
It was good to see Sam at the show. Great even, it felt like my two lives were meeting for once. He told me he really liked the music, said that the team had already started summer training, then he talked about his restaurant. I told him I would go whenever I came back from the tour. After that, he got really quiet, and he asked me a question that has been on my mind since he asked me it a couple of days ago. 'Are you gonna come back?'
To see a friend, to see a ghost, bitter-brained, always drunk.
Drunk. That's a funny word, you know. Always drunk, that's not a good pair. You know when I told you about how I drank all those mini little bottles of alcohol I drank when I had that dream of you? I... I've been doing that a lot more. I don't want to talk about that though. It's stupid, it's dumb, I'll stop soon. I just need it now, though. It's okay, though. I just... need it right now.
Your mind, your needs, and my needs.
I'll stop talking about that; I need to stop talking about that. I'm trying to be happier. I am happier. I'm living my fucking dreams right? This is what I wanted right? This is what I gave it all up for, to be happy, to inspire people, to make music, to see those fucking flowers again outside my window.
There aren't any flowers though, are there? All I can see outside my window right now is buildings, tall buildings with little people moving around in the windows. There's a couple dancing in their kitchen, a man spinning his someone all around. I miss you, and it's all my fault that I miss you.
You spiral out and try to float, you see a friend, you see a ghost.
I think I might have made a mistake. I think I'm gonna go for a drive.
You see a ghost.
Always, Ulla.
Blu Speaks:
The final letter comes out on Friday. After that it's back to regular programming!! Thank you to all of those that liked the letters! It was really cool to see people enjoy them even if the people who did were few in numbers 😅.
I wanted to explain the change of aesthetic to anyone who cares!
The main thing I was going for was orange, the usual coloring of the book is a blue, blue meaning the main color of Jamie and Ulla's relationship. Orange however is seen in the book several times though!! The meaning behind most scenes with orange are points of change and reflection for Tallulah. The orange light typically produced by the streetlamp outsode her old apartment. She would ofter find her self looking back on moments in her life as well as relationships.
I wanted these letter to be able to take Tallulah on a journey of self discovery. I now realize that most of the last self discovery happens in these this chapter and the next.
**That being said there is a time jump between this chapter and the next. Over the course of the letters so far its only been about a month, after this chapter its been about two. So three months all together. Also in the next Letter there will be drugs and injuries mentioned if that triggers you, to bad so sad.**
Again I want to thank all of you who liked these letter, they were really fun for me to write and I hope your all getting excited for the final part of City Of Stars.
