Canvas of Love | TxS

34 - dead?

- Maddy -
-- A Few Days Later --

TW Chapter!

I rolled over on the bed, tucking my legs closer to gain any feeling of comfort but still nothing. The tears were just silently streaming down my face. My mind was a jumbled mess of emotions but one feeling stood out above all the others - emptiness.

I wanted to scream, to lash out at the unfairness this world gives. But as i lay there, i couldn't find the energy to do anything. I felt numb, like i was just going through the motions of life without really living them.

I knew exactly how this would end yet it still hurt. Because a part of me wanted to believe that things might just go right. But now i'm trapped somewhere between wanting to forget and wanting to hold on.

I don't know what happened though as my body just clicked into a mind of its own and i got out of bed, my legs feeling heavy as i walked towards the kitchen.

"Oh, Maddy. You're awake this early?" My aunt's happy voice made my heart sink further. Awake this early? I wished i could sleep. I wished to have the energy she is showing off right now.

"No. I haven't slept at all to be honest." I built up a proper tone of a normal person and said. "Mads, come on. You can't be drenching yourself in further pain just because you know it's there. How about we go somewhere? I have already made breakfast so we can eat and then go wherever you desire." Audrey explained, looking at me like i actually deserve things.

"Maybe later on the day. I sort of want to listen up on what you said about not drenching myself in further pain. So do you have some sleeping pills by any chance?" I questioned, seeing her walk away without hesitation.

"It's good that you're staring off with something a little easier as just getting a good sleep." Audrey appeared back in front of me, handing the bottle over. "Right," i sighed out, slipping it in my pocket, "thanks. You're always there to help me and i appreciate that. Audrey, you literally pulled me out of a shit hole even back in the day when my parents hated me after finding out my sexuality."

"Oh, Mads. Stop." She showcased a saddened expression, pulling me in for a hug that i eased into immediately.

God. I can't even hide this from my own self anymore. I just wanted her. I wanted Lauren to hug me again even if it were to be for the last time.

"Are you gonna be okay?" Her hands cupped my face, staring back with a smile that she hasn't dropped since earlier. "I will be. But i think i'll finally give myself a cleanser. I'll take a trip by the beach." I announced, brushing past her and towards the door.

"What about sleep?" Her voice caught me back in place. "Afterwards. I'm gonna take a stroll so i can truly get a good sleep despite the pill that will do most of the job." I rolled out a chuckle after speaking.

"Right. You and adventures. Can't hold you back so go off. But be back as soon as possible. You'll need to at least eat lunch if not the breakfast." She threw me one last smile.

I made my way out of the house and towards the nearby beach. A place with just a body of water has always been one of my favorites, with its crashing waves and endless horizon. But today, it looked different than just romantic and beautiful to me.

My feet stumbled down the small and grassy hill, hit with the feeling of sand soon after. It was windy and empty this morning, i can call myself lucky, i guess.

I dropped down sitting, gazing forward on the waves that kept forming. I didn't know exactly why i was here or what i wanted from this. Perhaps i wanted to go in the water and let it swallow me whole?

It can't be that i discarded that possibility until now. Was that why i even had the energy to get out of bed? My body has just decided to end the misery for me?

How could i possibly exist without her was the question that throbbed me the most. I needed her. And in return, i needed to be loved, accepted and desperately wanted.

I took acknowledge of the pressure in my pocket, slipping my hand in to understand what it's from and the bottle of medicine filled my sight.

Without hesitation, I grabbed a handful and swallowed them down, feeling a sense of calm wash over me.

I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldn't find it in me to care so i laid back on the ground, patiently waiting for the pills to kick in.

My eyes closed, not even a blank image popping up as all i saw was Lauren. What have i done to deserve this? No family anymore. No friends and even the person that made me feel okay without having those things is gone.

The sudden flood of tiredness overcame me and i immediately shook my head, forcing my eyes open. I got up and stood at the edge of the water, taking a deep breath from how quickly the sleeping pills are kicking in.

Nonetheless i wasted no time, stepping into the water, the waves crashing against my legs, pulling me in deeper and deeper.

I didn't struggle, didn't fight against it even the slightest, i only let the water consume me, feeling a sense of peace wash over me as I slipped further and further under.

But then, a muffled voice broke through the calmness.

"Maddy!"

I was yanked up from under the water, met with the sight of a woman that looked so realistic. It was Lauren.

She pulled me back towards the shore. I could hear her shouting towards Audrey, speaking absolutely nonsense in my head. I drowned, right? I'm dead. I know i am. Is this how being taken to heaven is like?

"Am i hallucinating?" I forced the question out but the woman did nothing but hug me, now and then forcing my face in front of hers by asking things i couldn't make out.

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