Canvas of Love | TxS

51 - giving up

- Maddy -
-- An Hour Earlier --

TW Chapter!

I sat my phone aside after ending the call, letting myself finally settle down from the excessive crying that at this point was bringing a pulsating headache.

The sound of my phone going off had me give a glance to it but i was in no mindset to hear Lauren's voice again so i stood up. My feet lead me to the bedroom as i just climbed on top of the bed, tucking myself under the blanket.

I was so close to just breaking in two from feeling my heart sink. The uncontrollable sobbing thankfully had dimmed however pure numbness overtook me instead.

I need someone. I need a presence so i know i'm not alone but there's no one. I've lost everything i had. Why can't someone just help me before i do something i'll regret?

Lauren is gonna hate me if i make that decision. She's gonna cry. She's gonna think it's her fault. Why the fuck do i still even care how she'll feel?! She left me! She.. God. I swear i only now acknowledge that we are back where we were.

Distanced. Hurting. And promising each other things that might or might not come true. These memories kill me more from knowing how everything could have ended that day at the beach.

But what's there that could talk me out of relapsing? You never really think about the past until you don't see a future anymore so why bother fighting for something that isn't there and never will be again?

The whole saying, if you want to die then fall in love is one of the most beautiful but painful deaths since you'd have to relive the feeling of dying everyday rather than it stopping in the same exact second.

But mentally, i can't take it anymore. I fought through this type of death the past month i've been alone but i'm not strong enough anymore.

I can't even hide the fact that i've gone insane. I've been losing my mind! Seeing things that are not there! I have these thoughts that surround me, whispering, telling me i'm not good enough, i'm a horrible person and they're true! I'm suffocating at this point because it's gotten too far to bear with.

My body slipped out from the blanket and i stepped into the bathroom. I tried to keep a calm mind but the more i studied my sore eyes, red face, i wanted nothing but to cry again which it didn't take long to get to.

Before i actually lost the energy to function, i opened the shower door, turning the water on to the hottest setting but i hesitated to step in just yet and rather shut the door, allowing it to fill up with the steam.

I think i now understood my intention and there was nothing else that i felt but heart break. But something in me was still fighting against my mind.

Whatever was happening right now, the darkness was still way more visible. The warmth that once surrounded me wasn't here. The lively atmosphere nowhere close.

I took in one last breath, gaining enough courage before stepping and shutting the shower door behind me. I avoided getting hit by the boiling water and took a seat in the corner, the ground itself had a slight level of flooding from how much the tap was pulled open yet i just allowed myself to settle down.

I wonder why i wasn't feared from what happened the last time i showered with an overwhelmed mind. That time i felt a speck of stress from not realizing how hot the water had gotten but was it traumatizing, no.

I could have came up with a quicker way, honestly. I really could have but i don't want to suffer from dragging a knife across my veins or anything that could cause me to scream so i think this is good.

Sealed, airtight box. Rushing hot water that will soon enough burn the oxygen in here. It's like lightning a candle. Ever realized how hard your breathing gets after having it lit for a while in a room?

The only benefit from it is the nice scent that evaporates but right now, i didn't have the chance to experience that, it's nowhere close to being just a simple candle that brings light in an area and a loving smell that makes you smile.

- - -
Multiple minutes in here already and the sight around me was nothing but fog, unable to even see the glass wall and door in front of me.

I knew how badly i wanted to take my hoodie off from the excessive sweating but it's only gonna take longer for me to feel at peace if i drag this on so i stayed put.

I could tell my breathing was becoming heavier every single time i inhaled. It was scary. You can feel how tight your lungs are. How the loss of oxygen is tensing your head.

I swear i wanted to leave. I could feel my heart fighting for the decision of making me get out of here but i'm not gonna feel any better outside of this misery. I'm done hoping. I'm literally done.

My body at this point was boiling. The moisture in the air and slight pool of water under me still had soaked up my clothes and my skin was just beginning to burn.

I managed to take my mind off the painfulness but as soon as i did, i caught myself back in reality about there being no going back.

My muscles had gave up on me, pure weakness across my whole body and the breaths were so thin and quick that i couldn't take in a full inhale anymore.

And there it was. Eyes already tired to try and stay open, not a single sign of my lungs moving again. I can feel it, just a few more seconds before i lose consciousness.

"Maddy?"

My name traveled towards my ears and i slowly blinked, focusing through my blurry vision and i swear i could faintly make out the image of Lauren.

"Sweetheart." She spoke out again but i took a slow pan around, seeing no sight of me being in the steam and rather sitting on the floor outside the shower.

"Breathe." Her hands held my head up but i was so lost, keeping my lips glued together.

I'm going insane again, aren't i? Is this what i deserve? I'm leaving this earth after it showcases the only reason i could have stayed but also the reason that made me give up?

I felt her lips caressing my ear, "breathe, baby," she whispered the words out, hearing her take a deep breath, hold it for a second or two before calmly exhaling.

Her action continued whilst i tried to gather the control over myself and my lungs sprang back to life soon enough, gasping for air.

Lauren only kept breathing by my ear though, slowly and quietly until my panting finally steadied and our breathing was synchronized.

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