BibbleSmiley(BS)

Bullets for Dead Meat

Bibbles got up to go wash himself off in the bathroom. First the blood came off his face and hands and then blew his nose in a tissue to clear the crusted crimson. He inspected to see if any brains had seeped into his sinus passages just like wiping his ass to tell if his spleen was there. That was curious, there were no boogers present and he usually had a few bats in the cave. He snorted some water to make sure nothing was left like he did after a mercury pill taking the lid off a ramen cup. He wandered off to Pastor Asch's office somehow knowing what he was going to find and it wasn't printed on any page in the Bible.

Nobody answered his knock after three times of trying so he took that as a yes to enter without permission. There was his mercury prescription in his pocket and that gave him top secret clearance to see what can and should be deleted. He sat in the chair behind the desk and angrily began opening and closing the drawers on it. Something inside caught his eye, a clear glass jar with green and yellow flakes like tinker gnomes roasting marshmallows on christmas. All of the boogers belonged to little boys who were promised free ice cream but he didn't need a doctor on standby when mercury could start his heart. So much worse than a jar of farts being passed around until someone shits.

Then walked in Pastor Asch who was filing his nails with fine grade sandpaper. He blushed embarrassed that someone was in on his dirty little secret. Looking back and forth trying to play it cool to diffuse the situation without making a scene for the neighboring AA clubhouse.

"I see you have found my most valuable possession but it's nothing compared to a prayer for owen meany that the tin drum is under beneath it all. I couldn't stop picking my nose so I decided to file my nails. I dip into it like a jar of clitoris, ever see the human centipede?"

"I'd like to spend a day in your personal hell you sycophant! What lie are you telling yourself to stand next to God? You disgust me like a rotten apple Eve took a bite of, shame on you, blistering hog, toothless masticator. I have nothing but ill regard concerning your likes."
"No Smiley, you must believe me, I am not perfect and if that's what you wish to embody you shall never ascend. This is all a mistake, a great misunderstanding. You are falsely accusing an angel of the lord's regime, however much of a poor excuse for an agent he may be. Please, let's keep this just in between the two of us so that I may retain a reputation, think what you want of me but don't say I'm capable of this!"

"Keep your jar, pervert, I don't want anything to do with it or you. You're an affront to God and I will have no further involvement with an apathetic miscreant. I will not put any effort to cover you in the event of spontaneous combustion, the judgment passing is eternal damnation."

Smiley stormed out leaving a shaken Pastor Asche to quiver in his boots who was angry from getting caught not at himself but for the world to be a cruel enough place to allow him to exist. The youth group was just a diversion to make it look like outreach instead of predatory offenses. He tried calling out to Smiley but his voice croaked, it wasn't to apologize, it was the only way he could use the power of the holy ghost other than licking inside noses. Smiley was wrong and would be called a liar who shouldn't talk about people everyone knew was good acting in contrast to their character was wholly untrue. He called the driver and asked to be picked up right away.

Smiley hid in a broom closet with a broken end of a wooden handle clutched in trembling hands. Specific instructions on where to find him in a text message going out to Chongo along in case the driver had been compromised. He would explain everything later and right now needed a toot off the mercury, chopping it up with a razor making claws like Freddy Kruegger. A shadow crept under the door. Bibbles held his breath like an iron lung. A voice said something about a stink pocket and passed on.

"Smiley, are you in there? Oh thank heavens, he could breathe again and he did so with a sigh of relief.

"Yes, let's leave now and never come back!" Smiley explained what happened as they left and didn't feel safe until they were back home but even then his tension didn't lessen and probably wouldn't be completely at ease until the catholic church did something to clean up their ministry so that it was next to Godliness. Chongo listened intently only stopping him to ask a question that enabled him to better grasp the situation but Bibbles didn't want to remember. His nasal passages were inflamed but that would heal in time.