Watching Her

Chapter 5: cigarettes

"That was just-" 

"Crazy? Yeah." Adriana answered for me, now in one of the hoodies she kept in my room and a pair of sweatpants, makeup washed off, her puffy hair in a bun. Mine was still wet and I hadn't bothered to get unready yet, as I grabbed my bag off the counter.

"What are you looking for?" She asked between mouthfuls of cheese popcorn, a reality tv show playing in front of her. The small living room and kitchen I had was connected to each other, so that I could even hear them talking from my TV. I couldn't give her a direct answer, as I looked for any sign of red in my small purse.

"Just stuff." I mumbled, shuffling through the multiple unnecessary things I would need at any other day but today. My eyes looked around the kitchen, but I would never just leave them lying out in the open like that.

Hearing the pillows shuffle from my couch, I turned around again. Her eyes were looking directly at me, reading my facial expression while I tried to mask whatever I was feeling. 

"You didn't start again, right?" Her head was now slightly tilted, her attention away from the half empty bucket of popcorn she had grabbed as soon as we had gotten inside, only showering once it was in the microwave. I turned away from her, acting like I was distracted. I didn't want to face this conversation, I couldn't bare her disappointment. Adriana took this more serious than any other person I had ever met, which had made me feel more seen, but in times like this it wasn't only a good thing. I felt disappointed myself, I truly did, but not enough to stop. 

Finally, the packet appeared in my hands after I had searched nearly the whole kitchen, half of the wrapped plastic still around it. I walked out, not facing my best friend again until my hands touched the sliding glass door to the balcony. She knew, but there was not enough in me to care. This was, at the end of the day, my problem, not hers. 

There was still wind outside, rain as well, but not as much as before. Sadly, my balcony didn't have any kind of roof or shield to keep the rain from falling, but it would only be a few minutes and my hair was already wet. 

The dark sky now looked less intimidating than before. Now, it was mysteriously beautiful. As if something could suck you in and never let you get out, never let you escape your darkest fears. The bright stars didn't do any better with this, only their metaphoric meaning for tiny specks of hope illuminating the image from my mind onto the world beneath them. It was silence, darkness, intimacy all at once. 

At night, people were at rest, calm, finding peace they could only find then. Their dreams would surround them, intrude and disrupt their selfish, nerve - recking thoughts until they would wake up again when everything would go back to normal. The night was a break from life, from society. It was more than being scared in your room because your parents decided that you were too old for a night light. It was more than a princess running through the woods, away from the wolf. It was more, but never misunderstood. There was no deeper meaning of the night, there were multiple, subjective ones. The ones adding to conspiracy theories, the ones questioning simple life meanings. 

The night, when all lights were out, was referred to darkness. Darkness was referred to death, to terror. But wasn't it the polar opposite? There was no one to terrorize at night, there was no one to be afraid of when you were alone in your room, watching the rain as I did now. As I did and lit my cigarette between my shivering fingers. The warmth of the small source of light didn't help, but it wasn't supposed to. It was supposed to fill a desire. A poor desire no person could fully get away from once they had tried it. A simple, effective drug.

And once you would start seeing the deeper meaning of the night, a simple, effective meaning that would fit into the subjective image of your head, there was no going back. No leaving. You couldn't leave what you enjoyed, you didn't want to. 

With every breath I took, with every minute that the cigarette got shorter in my hand, the knot inside me loosened. It got shorter, unsteady, until it would fall apart and finally leave me. The knot that would tighten when seeing my parents, the knot that would tighten when looking at my body, my hair, my face. The knot that would tighten, not only in my chest, but also in my throat when I would have to talk to business partners and "friends". The knot that would tighten sometimes until I couldn't move anymore, until every muscle in my body was tense, not allowing me to simply walk away from the conversation until I could rip the glue off my feet. Sometimes had been today. Sometimes had been so many times, I should know how to move my muscles, I should know how to get rid off the glue. Yet, it would catch me every time. 

"You're getting wet, you're going to be cold." I heard a voice behind me. Deep, masculine, strange.

What the-

I turned around, nearly dropping the cigarette onto the wet floor. The light from inside my apartment, dimmed by white curtains, shined onto his silhouette. He had strong arms, a tall figure as he looked down on me. There was no chance for me to make out his facial feature, his eyes, his mouth. No chance for me to figure out if I knew him, if this was a joke from the next door frat boys. 

My breath hitched in my throat as I looked for something to hit him. Was it already too late for that? How long had I been standing here, I wasn't sure anymore. But there was no weapon inside, the next one being in my purse. The purse lying on top of the marble counter in the kitchen, hiding behind the closed door, him standing in front of it, in my way. 

"Who the fuck are you?" I asked, suddenly breathless as he took a step closer. I didn't like where this was going, this was sicker than any pranks pulled off on me in freshman year. I felt his presence stronger than I liked, closer than I was comfortable with. Yet, there was this tingling again. This tingling in my arms and legs that I had felt before, just a few hours ago. This tingling that wouldn't let me go, no matter what I tried. I knew I needed to get away, every inch of my body was telling me that. 

His feet were moving. Moving towards me. Moving towards the railing of the balcony. My back hit the cold metal, the cold water droplets trying to fight their way through my clothes. He was close, so, so close. 

As he leaned in, my eyes looked up to his. The stars above us helped me make out a sparkle in them, only a faint hint of what was yet to reveal. I felt his hands on each side of my body, resting on the top bar. I didn't have to look, I knew they were big. As his fingers were barely able to etch into my skin, I took my cigarette, held it against his skin and only took a second as it left a burnt mark on the top of his hand. 

He drew a fist, swinging his whole arm away from me as I pushed him away, something that was as hard as it looked, and ran towards the door. Once my fingers had wrapped around the door handle, trying to get it to open, a hand held it closed. 

I leaned into the glass as much as I could, wanting to get away from him. This tingling was taking over. My breathing was out of rhythm, my heart not dropping, but jumping as if it was about to explode out of my chest. This wasn't a panic attack, I knew that. It was different. Fear?

I knew that Adriana had left, she could never bear seeing me smoking in front of her. She was gone, out of reach. I was alone. Alone with him. The back of my head was pounding as I didn't dare to turn around. 

He leaned close again, his breath now on the back of my neck. His hands didn't make the same mistake again, nearing my hips, so they stayed at his sides. I looked down, feeling the goosebumps on my arms as they were propped up against the glass. He could hear my breathing, he knew what he was doing. 

"Get away." I managed to get out, but there were no tears as I expected. This was a different type of fear. A fear where you couldn't move, my feet glued to the ground but not the type where I wanted to get away. This was me, controlling everything and nothing at the same time.

Turning my head to the side, hoping I could get a glimpse of him, he started to talk again. It took me time to understand his words, a barrier between us, a barrier wanting to crumble to pieces. 

"I'm just protecting you." The tingling in my body. Only a second and it was gone. A second, as I turned around, and he was gone. 

Yay! Finally some action for the readers! Waited a long time for that, but now you must have some kind of motivation to continue reading, right? At least thats what I'm hoping right now...

Who do you think it is?

What do you think of this "first" encounter?