Watching Her

chapter 27: Mateo

She was crazy. I had meant what I had said. She was crazy, wanting to face death so early in life. She was young, unexperienced and so, so crazy. 

But something about her being this crazy made me feel something deep inside, and I suspected that I did not want to let something like this let go. 

I had not expected her to actually go into the water, but then again, I had not known at all what she was about to do as I watched her walk up to the sliding door. I had not said anything, but would it have changed anything in her actions? I knew that she was full of fire, full of stubbornness, there was nothing stopping her from doing what she wanted to do. 

And she was the first girl I had met that was so full of fire and passion. 

My mind went back to the night when I had brought her home, after she had cried in my arms. Just that now, she did not look vulnerable at all. She looked strong, determined. I could not lie to myself, I did like seeing her this way. The fire that she was, the way her ponytail swayed as she walked to the door. I did admire it. 

And now, that I was standing here with her in the pool, I could not help but feel it as well, she had managed to share it with me in this moment. Something I had not felt in a long time. She was looking at me, waiting for me to say something, but no words could escape my mouth. 

It was better for us to go inside, but I had done so many reckless things in my life, this would not be the last thing I would do. Just that this time, I was not alone. And it had not been my idea. It had been her, only her, while I had watched her at first. Now, I joined her. 

She felt the adrenaline, just as I did while we were standing in the pool. I knew she needed an escape from the troubled days that had followed her. She needed a release from all her problems, and adrenaline was always a solution. At least for me, it had always been. And I had never met a person before who felt the same, but here we were. 

Of course I did not entirely know how she felt because of the conflict with her friend, but I knew that it bugged her more than it should have, more than she could control. 

She swallowed hard, and I saw in her eyes that she did not want to go inside yet. She did not want me to make her leave the pool, even though it was so, so stupid. And so, so crazy. The wildfire in her eyes was slowly cooling down as we stood in the icy water. My clothes stuck to my body, but I ignored the disgusting feeling. 

I knew I should have stopped her once I saw that she had taken her shoes off, but I had not. I did not entirely know why, but I did not regret it either. 

"Am I crazy for wanting to feel something?" She breathed out, hard and restless. I shook my head slowly, without saying a word and let go of her shoulder. Her body was cold, alarmingly cold. I knew it was not just the water, as I expected to feel some kind of warmth as she had been training for hours downstairs. 

Right after the conflict she had locked herself in her room, but it was hard to miss her sobs from inside. She had not gone after her friend, and I did not think that she had called her either. She had not tried, but I refrained myself from asking why. It was not my business, I knew that. 

Yet, she had come out. I had only seen her walk past me, down another flight of stairs, to the gym, while I stood in the kitchen. I had prepared some dinner, but once I saw her escaping into the gym, I knew I would eat alone this evening. There was a chaos in her head, a storm brewing, and there was no one to solve it for her, so she had to do it on her own. 

At first I let her be, but once the clock struck nine, I had decided to see what she was doing all evening, maybe even all night. 

"You're crazy for doing something so deadly." I answered, but I knew myself, that there was more she could and would do someday.