Watching Her

Chapter 37: avoiding him

We had not talked about the incident, about how he had found me crying on the floor, holding myself. I felt like it would become a continuous thing, not talking to each other after something so... different had happened. I was thankful for him not addressing it either, knowing that I did not have a clear explanation for my actions these days. 

It was all so weird and different now. Not just where I was, but with me as well. Usually, I knew my motives, why I did what I did, why I had caused something. There was always - had always been - a clear reason for my actions, but now? Mateo scrambled up all of my thoughts once I had finally regathered them back in my head, and directly threw them out of it again. He confused, yes, even sometimes amazed me with it as well. Here, with him, I never really had a clear thought of my own, I did not think things through like I normally did. I just did. Without thinking, without writing down a pro's and con's list in my head. 

My mind was somehow... silent.

And I did not know if that was a good or bad thing. 

The only thing that had not changed was the goosebumps I would get near him. The tingle. the rush of adrenaline nothing else could give me. Yet, I had to remind myself that he was not special for it. I had gotten it at the wedding, when I felt a pair of eyes on me. I had gotten it when some crazy stalker had shown up on my balcony, warning me of something I did not understand to this day.

And all of that still did not cling together, there was no line connecting these three incidents, these three people. I had tried to string them to each other, but there was no string available in my head.

At least it took my mind of the few happenings that had taken place in the last few days. 

I still had not talked to Adriana as I was somehow scared of what she would answer once I got ahold of her. Or maybe she would not even want to pick up the phone when my name had lit up on her screen. I knew I would get an ultimate answer once I would decide to call her and I was not sure if I would be able to handle that. Had she flown back? Probably. Had she thought about me? I hoped so. I did not want to lose my best friend, not in those times. Not when I was confused the most, when I was as vulnerable as ever. 

As I stood in the kitchen, looking for the rest of the breakfast Mateo had made this early morning, I heard voices coming from the dining room again. Not bothering to pay attention to it, I pulled out a container of freshly baked cinnamon rolls, sighing in relief while I opened it. 

Mateo had made it a habit, since the morning I had woken up in his bed and silently sneaked off to my own room, to prepare enough breakfast for him and me. I did not know the reason behind his sudden gesture, but it was nice nevertheless. I had not gotten the chance to thank him, especially since he was starting to throw himself at his work load again, always disappearing into his office. I never really got to see him for more than half an hour a day without him either working or eating. Even though I sometimes met him in the kitchen while he was eating lunch or dinner, I did not want to disturb him and made a point by avoiding to enter the room at those times. It was like I had a mental schedule written down in my head, knowing exactly when he ate in the kitchen and when he left to go up to work again. 

Occasionally I heard him talk to one of his colleagues, workers, whoever they were,  but had not tried to listen to their conversation. It felt like I was living with a stranger again. Like the man from the first night had reappeared and told him to pull himself together. 

Maybe my parents had even called him, somehow got a notice of our... interactions and warned him in some way. Even though I knew Mateo had more power than my entire family, I did not push away the idea of that happening. Maybe his business had suffered under this. Maybe realization had finally hit him like it had slapped me in the face.