if only we had made it

Finny

It's been four days since the accident. I have been to visit Sylvie in the hospital once. I wouldn't even know what to do if I did visit her.

Would I apologize? 

The accident was somewhat my fault if taking into consideration the circumstances but Sylvie was the one who asked me to make a U-turn and she was the one who hadn't worn her seat belt. 

She was coming home today and although there was no movement when it came to her memory her body was healing quickly. 

Sylvie had texted me asking me to pick her up from the hospital but I didn't have it in me to drive again. I asked her if she could ask her parents and reluctantly she had asked them. Now I found myself walking to her house with her voice in my ear.

"Honestly Fin, I'm your girlfriend. You couldn't pick me up from the hospital because you're afraid to drive and I suppose I get it but come on not even coming to visit me once? I was alone in there."

She wasn't. 

Sylvie was never fully and truly alone. Her hospital room had been a revolving door with all of our friends and all of her family. I wasn't there and even if I wasn't acting as her boyfriend as her friend I should have been there. 

I couldn't let go of Autumn though. 

Even the thought of it had my heart pounding to the point where I could feel and hear it outside of my body. 

I just need to get over this stump with Sylvie then I could be completely Autumns. My heart had already belonged to her but as long as Sylvie hadn't remembered the breakup, no matter how many times I told her I chose her we couldn't be together the way we wanted to. We would have to remain behind closed doors and Autumn didn't deserve that kind of love. 

Autumn and I deserved each other, but Sylvie deserved a friend. I could act as her boyfriend but wanting to be her friend was as real as it got. I loved Sylvie just not the way I loved Autumn. I would never and have never loved them the same though. I'll never be able to because whatever part of my heart is capable of that type of love is held hostage by Autumn and Autumn alone. That wouldn't change until we started a family of our own and even then I fear that I would love her more than our children.

I was probably in over my head when it came to the thoughts of our future but the heart wants what it wants and I want Autumn to be my wife and be the mother of our children. However many she wanted, I would agree wholeheartedly. 

I'll figure out a way to fix this mess for both of us, Sylvie included.

"You're right I'm sorry. I'll be there in a little while."

"You live a 15-minute drive from my house and you left 10 minutes ago you should be here in 5." She tells me.

"I decided to walk."

"What. Why would you do that?"

"Because I don't want to drive right now I don't even want to be leaving my house," I tell her  

What I don't tell her is that I'm not really at my house but at Autumn's. 

"Fine then don't." She says sharply before hanging up. 

Sighing I pull my phone away from my ear and tuck it into my pocket only for it to ring 10 minutes later into my walk because when Sylvie gives you what you want with the tone she used, you'll pay for it later. 

It's not Sylvie calling me back though it's Jack. 

"Hey," I answer. 

"Hey, what were you up to this weekend."